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Rock of the Earth (Free verse) by ingwa Sing to my soul of ages gone by
Paintings on walls, stories through lines
Hunts gone by, inspired their hands
Sing to me now, before I die
Tell me the tales of things you know
Let me know your experiences, good and bad
The lessons you learned, mistakes you made
Tell me the things that moved your heart
Ageless you stand, tall and proud
Lichen grows upon your surfaces
The winds and rains slowly erode
And still you stand, strong and bold
Home to leopards, baboons and insects
Bats take refuge in your dark crevices
Explorers amazed, challenged always
Can I make my abode within your safety
Up the ladder:
looking for
Down the ladder:
The bearded space merchant from lil Idaho
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: May 22, 2005 1:05 PM PDT; Last modified: May 22, 2005 1:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7709 Comments:
"gone by" repetition hurts; I lose the rhythm in "Let me know your experience", and there's not much non-generic to pull my interest fuerther.
Interesting comment. How about I take the second stanza out? The second one does seem longwinded.
Taking the second stanza out helps more than I expected. Still, the whole thing needs a lot of chopping and/or polishing. I _STRONGLY_ recommend attempting to critique other poems more than investigating your own at the moment. Post, soak in the comments, but put effort into seeing what you like and/or dislike about other's poetry, seeing how you can apply that to your own work.
Okay Nentwined, I'm certainly going to follow your advice. Perhaps I'm too caught up in how my work is at the moment instead of looking about more. Something definately worth improving. I will leave my posting for a while and come back to it some time in the future. Thank you once again for your comments, I do appreciate them.
er, don't stop writing poetry--but do try to crit. The most evolution in my own writing laterly came from doing weekly anonymous challenges, where you have to crit every piece--having to not give away which one was mine somehow kickstarted my ability to see my own work from a bit more distant perspective.
Some good lines, I like the idea captured.
No comma after "Hunts gone by" I think- some clunky lines: "experiences, good and bad"- some very good lines: "sing to my soul of ages gone by" and "Ageless you stand, tall and proud/ Lichen grows upon your surfaces"; uneven rhyme scheme does not help (1st and 4th lines in first stanza, 3rd and 4th lines in 3rd stanza, no rhyme in last stanza.
Some good lines, I like the idea captured.
No comma after "Hunts gone by" I think- some clunky lines: "experiences, good and bad"- some very good lines: "sing to my soul of ages gone by" and "Ageless you stand, tall and proud/ Lichen grows upon your surfaces"; uneven rhyme scheme does not help (1st and 4th lines in first stanza, 3rd and 4th lines in 3rd stanza, no rhyme in last stanza. 981 view(s)
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I've rewritten poems 5 times before posting, no joke. Patience. Listen. That's all it takes.