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Rock of the Earth (Free verse) by ingwa
Sing to my soul of ages gone by Paintings on walls, stories through lines Hunts gone by, inspired their hands Sing to me now, before I die Tell me the tales of things you know Let me know your experiences, good and bad The lessons you learned, mistakes you made Tell me the things that moved your heart Ageless you stand, tall and proud Lichen grows upon your surfaces The winds and rains slowly erode And still you stand, strong and bold Home to leopards, baboons and insects Bats take refuge in your dark crevices Explorers amazed, challenged always Can I make my abode within your safety

Up the ladder: A Usual Days Perspective
Down the ladder: my memories

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.9403987
Overall Rank: 9047
Posted: May 22, 2005 1:05 PM PDT; Last modified: May 22, 2005 1:05 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] richa @ 81.178.138.147 | 22-May-05/1:33 PM | Reply
Quite like the first verse although the 'ages gone by' and then 'hunts gone by' sounds inelegant and before I die seems a bit melodramatic. Sonically speaking the poem does not hang together well, the rhythm is all over the place.
[n/a] ingwa @ 80.46.158.47 > richa | 22-May-05/2:50 PM | Reply
Richa, thank you for your very welcome comments. I appreciate your reference to the first stanza that gone by repeated twice doesn't quite fit. I will have to work on that. What would you recommend that I do to improve the rhythm? I haven't been writing for too long and it would be nice to crack this perfectly. Mark
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.204 > ingwa | 23-May-05/11:26 AM | Reply
Listen. That's the secret to writing good rhythmic poetry. Read it aloud to yourself as if you were reading to an audience. Every hiccup will show. Make a mark or reword the line. Sometimes shuffling the lines helps the beat and the logic too.
I've rewritten poems 5 times before posting, no joke. Patience. Listen. That's all it takes.
[n/a] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 > INTRANSIT | 23-May-05/3:58 PM | Reply
Quite right Intransit. And sometimes the re-writing even never ends.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.204 > deleted user | 24-May-05/11:44 AM | Reply
The point of diminishing returns is quite the hangnail.
[n/a] ingwa @ 212.139.98.86 > INTRANSIT | 24-May-05/2:16 PM | Reply
Intransit and DoubleU, I certainly do appreciate your comments and tips on how to improve my writing. I am starting to put it to practice so will hopefully be able to repost some of my work soon :) Thanks for all your input.
[3] nentwined @ 64.60.192.130 | 24-May-05/4:28 PM | Reply
"gone by" repetition hurts; I lose the rhythm in "Let me know your experience", and there's not much non-generic to pull my interest fuerther.
[n/a] ingwa @ 212.139.98.86 > nentwined | 24-May-05/4:32 PM | Reply
Interesting comment. How about I take the second stanza out? The second one does seem longwinded.
[3] nentwined @ 64.60.192.130 > ingwa | 24-May-05/4:38 PM | Reply
Taking the second stanza out helps more than I expected. Still, the whole thing needs a lot of chopping and/or polishing. I _STRONGLY_ recommend attempting to critique other poems more than investigating your own at the moment. Post, soak in the comments, but put effort into seeing what you like and/or dislike about other's poetry, seeing how you can apply that to your own work.
[n/a] ingwa @ 212.139.98.86 > nentwined | 24-May-05/4:58 PM | Reply
Okay Nentwined, I'm certainly going to follow your advice. Perhaps I'm too caught up in how my work is at the moment instead of looking about more. Something definately worth improving. I will leave my posting for a while and come back to it some time in the future. Thank you once again for your comments, I do appreciate them.
[3] nentwined @ 64.60.192.130 > ingwa | 24-May-05/5:01 PM | Reply
er, don't stop writing poetry--but do try to crit. The most evolution in my own writing laterly came from doing weekly anonymous challenges, where you have to crit every piece--having to not give away which one was mine somehow kickstarted my ability to see my own work from a bit more distant perspective.
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