Re: Racial Hate by Glasseyez	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	29-Jan-06/12:36 AM
Your tempo is not consistent, nonetheless your message is conveyed loud and clear. Cheers to that.
Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	drnick 24.176.22.254	28-Jan-06/7:18 PM
I don't mean to get technical, but I'm not sure that light "curves." It can bend, but I'm afraid it is rectilinearly propagated and thus cannot curve. Other than that, I like this one!
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	28-Jan-06/7:12 PM
I was really high when I wrote this, which can be good and bad. I will keep in mind what you've said when I rework this. Thank you very much for the advice!
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	ecargo 172.147.107.138	28-Jan-06/2:51 PM
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.) The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	ecargo 172.147.107.138	28-Jan-06/2:31 PM
Lots to like, Ranger. This may be the best thing you've posted. "Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin" is a terrific line. Some of the rhymes are distracting--seem the sort of thing you'd do in a first draft and maybe kill later. Re: Lorelei, maybe go with Lilith or some other biblical character instead (to play off Mary) or someone in a similar role in French myth/lit (since it's Paris)? Great energy to this.
Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	god'swife 71.103.98.44	28-Jan-06/2:13 PM
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's got s good strong meter and structure. '...in an overwhelming.'I don't think this works well here. How do you feel about connecting it with the sound and silence of the next line? dissipate in an overwhelming (somethingsomething) of sound & silence. No that won't work because then you pull the rhythm away from 'and I dare not speak'. Maybe start a new stanza after overwhelming? 'To disturb with both' is a bit strained. Can you turn the sentence around? 'and I dare not disturb them both by speaking." You need an adj for dots. '...near is dots' ends to abrubtly for me. "near is ALL dots" "near is ONLY dots" I also believe the rhythm might inprove if you placed and infront of '...dancing hues:'. You've gone this far without telling me it's a TV., so you probably shouldn't do that at all. 'does beg' sounds too antiquated for this poem. Just remove the 'does' and voila!
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	god'swife 71.103.98.44	28-Jan-06/1:45 PM
You've got some lovely images here, a very real environment. Somehow I have trouble imagining a cub frisking with hours, but i like batting at time. I can't understand why, but there it is. Since you change from the cub awake to asleep, maybe you should start a new stanza at 'With measured breath.' I don't understand 'tamed to hand.', or 'dogs like mastodons'(those would be some big-ass dogs). I admire the meter and the assonance of the last eight lines. They display your understanding of poetics without being over the top.
Re: After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/1:16 PM
Aggression on meth & lsd with a lil hippied theism. Perhaps a little rough to follow, but I like it. Have an eight.
Re: Prozac by Glasseyez	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/1:11 PM
Cliched, not at all original, perfect example of emotional teenage dribble. Try to cut down on the use of "I", that is, if you wish to strengthen your writing a little. No vote.
Re: Memoirs of a Greasyslut the rest of the story by Glasseyez	SupremeDreamer 68.122.238.147	28-Jan-06/12:45 PM
It's amusing... to a certain point. Most noticable is the lazy manner in which the humor was applied. But mispelling sodomy is a little step closer to actual genius. Then again, I could be sprayin' absolute bullshit. Seven.
Re: a comment on A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/12:21 PM
Thanks, but I'm toying with a revision to improve the meter and rhyme. Maybe thei: Born under Aries, you can call me ewe Rams batter (I’m flattered) bruising brothers with butts to garner my favor I bleat for the black one roll eyes at the spotted then gloat as their heads collide all the harder If they knew what I want they’d give up the fight build nests like the thrush and sing at first light I’d examine their dwellings for comfort and view hear scratchings of ramhorns then bleat, maybe coo But my suitors keep butting like blood-sucking fleas who plant killer germs in animals they need Why can’t these rams go to work and stay busy gather nuts like the squirrel suck nectar like bees? And remember when they like this lamb at my side though gone far as the salmon come home with the tide We could flee this herd mate softly in peace shun sheep without vision who can fight if they please
Re: Round 27 by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/12:19 PM
Not sure yet what to make of this one, I will have to ponder it further and return.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/12:15 PM
Yes, clever and entertaining, I like this one.
Re: a comment on Hailing Miriam by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	28-Jan-06/12:05 PM
Lorelei is in myth a mermaid (I can't remember the details of where, somewhere in Germany there's a 'singing' rock in the valley's river which gave birth to the legend). The story goes that she was betrayed by her lover and threw herself into the river and died, becoming the mermaid who would sing to lure sailors to their death. To be honest, I wasn't sure about including that line, but I liked the sound of it and I liked the contrast between the holiness of Mary and the less-than-holy nature of Lorelei. I'm glad you like this one though, in the last two years it's the only thing I've written that I really like!
Re: a comment on Round 27 by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/10:44 AM
I tried that, and it worked alright. I guess your computer is fraught with glitchism. I prefer http://www.onelook.com/?loc=rz4&;w=*ism&scwo=1&sswo=1 for its many options and various dictionaries. And you can enter something like *ism and get all the words ending in "ism", more isms than michael_d cares to think about.
Re: a comment on Our Marriage by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	28-Jan-06/10:16 AM
Thanks Ranger. It is because I have something special and great that I am convinced of 'our hearts wed till eternity'. It is something to experience and know for certain.
Re: a comment on Round 27 by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	28-Jan-06/10:10 AM
There's a glitch at dictionary.com were if you type "nave" and hit the search button the definition for "naive" sometimes pops up. Sometimes you have to do it a few times for it to work. So it was kinda my own little private joke.
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/9:44 AM
A flurry of great lines, and then the ending. Who is Lorelei? A mystical, colorful, and sad read.
Re: How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/9:32 AM
Poetically speaking, this is good. It has form, unusual expression, metaphor (I think), and harks of Frost. For those reasons, I'd vote 10. But the reason I did not, and did on Elderking's recent one, is that the best poem, in my faulty opinion, is not the best written, it's the Trojan Horse that smuggles titillation into my sheltered life. Not sexual titillation necessarily, but connection with myself. Yours does that as I feel the tiger's caged existance, and I think you're hinting at more, but what?
Re: a comment on Round 27 by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	28-Jan-06/9:22 AM
You seem neither the interior of a church nor the hub of a wheel, and if you mean knave, well, not that either.