Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/6:38 AM
I've just had a reread of this and I have to admit that 'Alive and frequently mortal' has to be one of my favourite lines on this site. Class.
Re: lost souls by aamir_trichy	MacFrantic 172.199.98.219	21-Feb-06/6:30 AM
Ugh, this caves in fast. *4*
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	MacFrantic 172.199.98.219	21-Feb-06/6:28 AM
This is very satisfying, but a few of the adj's seem forced. A I wish I could give you a 9.5, because with a couple tweaks this is an 11 for me. *9*
Re: a comment on First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	MacFrantic 172.199.98.219	21-Feb-06/6:24 AM
Agreed with Ranger, and there are still a few things that irk me. Maybe get rid of the "it" in "I cannot watch..." Great flow though. *7*
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/6:18 AM
Damn you Caducus, damn you to poetic injustice, you have presented me with a set of stanzas which individually are worth their weight in gold. But they don't click with each other, the joints are missing here. Each stanza has at least one absolute gem of a line in, it seems to me that you have stanzas from seven different poems put together here though. If I've missed something very important (and it's highly plausible that I have, my brain is somewhat fried right now) tell me and I will alter my reading accordingly. PS since I disappeared from the ranker you started writing some unbelievable stuff; I feel like I missed out!
Re: a comment on Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	21-Feb-06/6:14 AM
Not if you wished it to be exciting. If all our wishes were granted we'd have to exist in seperate universes or we would eventually be slaves to the wishes of the most creative, ingenious and opportunistic among us.
Re: a comment on lost souls by aamir_trichy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/6:13 AM
And they are by no means bad lines. I'm just suggesting what I would do if they were *my* lines; if you disagree then that is absolutely fine - I'm not going to tell someone what they have to do in their poems. Write for yourself first and foremost, but when you want to write for other people, listen to what they say.
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	21-Feb-06/6:05 AM
I like the beginning lines. Change line 10. Asking for a language that has no lies is like asking for a hammer that hits no thumbs. It's how language is used that dictates whether there are lies present. I don't quite get the last line. Are you saying that your invented world is boring or the world you're in now?
Re: a comment on lost souls by aamir_trichy	aamir_trichy 203.129.195.149	21-Feb-06/5:24 AM
my first ever lines on sceen!!!!
Re: a comment on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	21-Feb-06/4:50 AM
Why, thank you, Ranger!
Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:57 AM
This gave me shivers. Edit the typos in stanza 1 ('creeping' and 'blind') so I can give you a vote.
Re: lost souls by aamir_trichy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:52 AM
Personally I would leave out 'Cause' (line 2) as it interrupts the flow, and I wouldn't bother with 'Tis' either. It's too archaic for the feel of this poem.
Re: Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:43 AM
Mmm, yes now this I like. 'Wisest not to bud', 'Inspiration melts', '"Bloom me mulberry"', so beautiful. Absolutely lovely.
Re: Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:30 AM
Okay, not bad. As a general point, I'm not sure prose poems have choruses - they're supposed to be more storylike, at least in my interpretation of the term. But that isn't important right now. In the first stanza I would use 'who' instead of 'that' (as you're referring to a person rather than an object) - also the last line in stanza 1 is a bit short; it stops abruptly in comparison to the other lines. I like the way stanza 2 goes quickly - I get the impression of someone whispering it over the shoulder, get rid of 'cause' though (and split that line into 2 lines) to keep the rhythm flowing. The last stanza is good, a little untidy at the moment, but with a bit of trimming it'll be fine.
Re: a comment on Conflict Resolution by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	21-Feb-06/2:13 AM
We weren't arguing, just searching for a peaceful conflict resolution. As for the edit, I like it more now - hence the improved score - but the only problem I have is that by saying 'the anvil' you imply that it's a recurring theme, or at least something you've already introduced us to before (I've been guilty of doing this on countless occasions). Is the anvil her heart, her confidence? Or are the words ricocheting back to you, deflected off her stubbornness? It seems to me that stanza 2 could be read either way, which isn't a bad thing but if you want the ambiguity then ironically enough it seems as though you need to express your desire for such ambiguity. I do like this one though. Useful, Ma'am?
Re: Everything That You've Ever Wanted by drnick	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/8:14 PM
And if we obtain everything we wanted, ~ yes, how boring that would be... the expression, "money doesn't buy everything" derives from that, but even more so - if every wish comes true, then what is tomorrow for. I enjoyed the ponderings this poem brought to mind.
Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/6:24 PM
There is an internal and line ending rhyme that keeps the river flow of this going. Nice indeed. The only line that I stumbled on was this: “With breeze they softly are stirred” With “freeze” right at the end going into “with breeze” something didn’t catch. Over all though, enjoyed.
Re: Beauty, sleeping (revised) by Ranger	Scarlett 68.11.56.28	20-Feb-06/6:15 PM
A touch of fairytale dreams and real life entanglements, this is well rounded, including the sense of humor. Enjoyed!
Re: Sonnet for Snow by ecargo	god'swife 71.103.98.44	20-Feb-06/5:33 PM
Lovely. One small suggestion; change 'the eye turns..' to 'and the eye...' You have 'turns' in the first line and turns with truer is a bit stiff.
Re: The chestnut by richa	Dovina 69.175.32.104	20-Feb-06/5:22 PM
It seems like a sad condition - alone under a chestnut tree, drinking, watching an unobtainable girl. I would wager that most people are happier when they drive to work.