| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
lost souls (Free verse) by aamir_trichy The fire is burning them all
They know not, Cause the fire is cold,
Tis not burning with flames, Tis not leaving smoke,
For its inside them that consumes the soul.
Up the ladder:
The Theft of Woe
Down the ladder:
living stone
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.25
Posted: February 20, 2006 8:56 PM PST; Last modified: February 21, 2006 5:04 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.910598 Overall Rank: 9619 Comments:
[n/a]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
|
21-Feb-06/2:52 AM
|
Reply
Personally I would leave out 'Cause' (line 2) as it interrupts the flow, and I wouldn't bother with 'Tis' either. It's too archaic for the feel of this poem.
[n/a]
aamir_trichy @ 203.129.195.149
> Ranger
|
21-Feb-06/5:24 AM
|
Reply
my first ever lines on sceen!!!!
[n/a]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
> aamir_trichy
|
21-Feb-06/6:13 AM
|
Reply
And they are by no means bad lines. I'm just suggesting what I would do if they were *my* lines; if you disagree then that is absolutely fine - I'm not going to tell someone what they have to do in their poems. Write for yourself first and foremost, but when you want to write for other people, listen to what they say.
Ugh, this caves in fast. *4*
Not bad, but you should know most poetry written in English is not like this.
whats it like then? i mean this is first time i have written something..........
It's like this: http://www.poems.com/archdate.htm
Personally I'd leave the whole thin out and try again.
294 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
