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Home is Where the Hate Is (Prose Poem) by raven_the_poet
Don’t go home until he’s gone. The beast you call family, The strong, tall man that kills you inside, That makes you cry, that haunts you. Watch your step, Everywhere you go. Don’t want to trip, Don’t want to fall. Cause if you do, he’ll criticize you, No sympathy, just anger, And it’s getting to you Chorus: At home, it’s a constant rage, No time to make room for your own flesh and blood. But once again, You cry in the darkness, Try not to let him hear you screaming. She tries so hard to calm him down. It’s not her fault, She’s got a big heart. But try again mom, She’s the only thing you’ve got, The only one that’s got a lot of problems just like you. [Chorus x2]

Up the ladder: Dream of a Vanilla Sky
Down the ladder: Pain

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Weighted score: 4.905148
Overall Rank: 9728
Posted: February 20, 2006 5:09 PM PST; Last modified: February 20, 2006 5:09 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 21-Feb-06/2:30 AM | Reply
Okay, not bad. As a general point, I'm not sure prose poems have choruses - they're supposed to be more storylike, at least in my interpretation of the term. But that isn't important right now.
In the first stanza I would use 'who' instead of 'that' (as you're referring to a person rather than an object) - also the last line in stanza 1 is a bit short; it stops abruptly in comparison to the other lines.
I like the way stanza 2 goes quickly - I get the impression of someone whispering it over the shoulder, get rid of 'cause' though (and split that line into 2 lines) to keep the rhythm flowing.
The last stanza is good, a little untidy at the moment, but with a bit of trimming it'll be fine.
[n/a] raven_the_poet @ 216.45.130.159 > Ranger | 22-Feb-06/5:28 PM | Reply
Yeah, I'm not going to change anything because it's a song, but thanks lol. I think it sounds fine, and if I plan on using it as a poem anytime soon, I'll take your suggestions into consideration.
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.15 | 22-Feb-06/5:47 AM | Reply
But where is the chorus??
[n/a] raven_the_poet @ 216.45.130.159 > Blue Magpie | 22-Feb-06/5:29 PM | Reply
Chorus:

At home, it’s a constant rage,
No time to make room for your own flesh and blood.
But once again,
You cry in the darkness,
Try not to let him hear you screaming.
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