Re: a comment on Piano by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/12:59 PM
Sure thing. I love the image of a piano as a monster; it's something that would have never occurred to me! So muchos credit for originality. However, the scales were all but crying out to be embellished; the hide of a dragon or alligator sprang to mind (particularly when you then talked about smiles and tears, and then stepping stones; perfect crocodile material in my book - if the imagery is already meant to be there, it just needs teasing out a little more). You seem to be suggesting in stanza 4 that you thought you could tame the monster (mastery of music, yes?) If so, I would love to see you talking about tying it up with chords. Cheesy wordplay I know, but it would make my day! You might also want to consider playing with the danger - the harm(onies). Seriously, I know they sound like awful puns, but it could work. If I'm going too far with these, feel free to throw things at me - chairs, tables, pianos etc. 'Jazzed' feels great in this piece - perhaps combine it with the teeth, make me think 'jagged'. I really do like the 'white spears and black daggers', although as far as connotations go it's almost a complete reversal - I think black spears and white daggers (Zulus and colonial field marshals). 'These monstrous teeth' - great line, and despite the relative simplicity of it I think the last line is very good, very effective too. Use these ideas as you wish - it could be that they lend too much weight to the 'monster' imagery and detract from the music...see what you think.
Re: Brethren, oblivion is not the road to the city Ataraxis II by SupremeDreamer	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/12:53 PM
I was starting to get into this - understand your viewpoint, when I hit Verse 5 and the sudden introduction of the character "He." Since "brethren" is such a religious-sounding word, I assumed "He" is God and proceeded past the bump. Then as it gets back to your conundrum, I thought of Paul, and his sorting out of mixed pullings in writing to the Corintheans. I don't see this as preaching, even though you're speaking to the brethren, but as trying to settle a chaotic mind. You might want to reword, "do not restrain your tongue, offering words of quick apology or gracious forgiveness & accession," as it seems to conflict a former statement.
Re: Whom I Adore by Hawaiian Lust	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-Mar-06/12:44 PM
Welcome to poemranker! The poem -- It's a very sweet sentiment; I'm genuinely glad that you have someone to write about - and long may it last. However, poetically this is in for some criticism. It is a typical 'first post' on poemranker (mine was no better), and as you look round at other poems here you will see that the rhymes have been used a million times before. I have absolutely no doubt that the rhymes are original to you - we all start somewhere - but if you want the reader to sit up and pay attention to what you're saying you will need to find something new, something vividly interesting. 'You/true', 'tears/fears', 'love/above' in particular feature in probably 75 percent of rhyming poetry. The trick is to let your imagination run riot; invent new metaphors (allegorical writing gets you bonus points every time), new ways of looking at a situation. I've found that just writing free verse is the best way of starting at this; it allows you to write without constraining yourself too much to metre and rhyme. Another point specific to this poem is that it opens with you addressing one person, but you then turn to the rest of us and start talking to us about him. Keep some consistency to it; personally I wouldn't include the first stanza. Also - this is a universal suggestion - try to limit the amount of pronouns you use. Especially if you want to write something to which the reader can relate, it doesn't help if you say 'I' every line (it gets a bit tedious to read as well). Okay, so I've given a bit of critique (which I hope will be of use to you), now let me tell you what I liked in here. 'Tough love for my own sake' is good, stanza 11 is quite pretty, and stanzas 7 and 8 put a smile on my face. So anyway, with any luck what I've said will be helpful; have a read round here - look at some of the top poems on the site and draw inspiration from the ideas and styles. It will be worth it!
Re: thanks for shutting up by FreeFormFixation	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/12:14 PM
Great title.
Re: letting go too much by calliope	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/12:13 PM
The last line cliche is disappointment.
Re: a comment on The Ocean by Fayt	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/11:57 AM
Waves move because the wind drives them, but the water in the waves only moves in little circles, with a small amount of foreward motion. So this edit is an improvement. The word "always" isn't quite right though, because sometimes waves are created by a long fetch of wind in a particular direction, but then they keep going after the wind changes or because the waves move beyond where the wind is. And the last line is troubling with "all" for similar reasons. Some life is not brought from the waves.
Re: a comment on Consolation by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/11:45 AM
It's great to see someone reading these old poems. Thanks.
Re: a comment on Piano by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/11:16 AM
And a fine pun it is. But could you tighten up on those out-of-tune strings just enough to show me what you mean.
Re: a comment on There by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/11:12 AM
God can do what God wants. No rule prevents Him from doing this as far as I know. I was saying that in my humble judgemant, I would be very disappointed in God if I knew he had done something so egregious. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Re: a comment on There by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	7-Mar-06/11:03 AM
I fail to see why this has gone on so long and why you object so much to what I have said. Both of us have said that we do not understand God, and both of us have speculated on what God might be like. Hopefully, I have not presented my speculations as something I expect you to believe, thereby preaching to you. Surely, you take as jest my asking you to put ashes on your head and repent, or telling you should go to hell to retrieve a woody. If I have preached, I must appologize. The thing that bother me concerning your statements about God is simply this: You keep saying that God MUST follow rules, covenants and the like. Correct me if I have misunderstood you. Also correct me if I am wrong in saying that if God has to follow rules, then who, really, is God? If you answer that God made rules, and MUST obey them, my response is simply that God can change any rule He makes.
Re: Consolation by Dovina	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:59 AM
Pure Excellence.
Re: My first Haiku by DJCopasetic	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:53 AM
Simple, yet funny. I like it. =)
Re: II by D. $ Fontera	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:52 AM
Very Nice.
Re: ~Tildoe~ by Thom	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:51 AM
...
Re: Janine (a set of haikus) by capachijim	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:48 AM
I love each one of these. Excellent work. A+. 10/10!
Re: 0 by MacFrantic	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:47 AM
made me chuckle... its ok. 7.
Re: Exsqueeze Me? Baking Powder? by Yardbird	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:46 AM
wow, funny... zero...
Re: Spam by Blade	Fayt 141.157.35.222	7-Mar-06/10:45 AM
wtf..
Re: War on Iraq by Dhanesh M Kumar	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Mar-06/10:27 AM
Not a 10, but not a zero, so for the sake of balance: Needs a stronger focus or pivot; less rant, more center/substance/something to grip, entice us in. The emotion's there, but it's more diatribe than poem right now.
Re: a comment on Seawards by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Mar-06/10:16 AM
Just tweaked a few lines. Gracias.