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Janine (a set of haikus) (Haiku) by capachijim Your serenity,
The grace that makes me want more,
More of what I love.
The prettiest one,
Everyone meets in their life,
That captures them so.
My privation,
My own inamorata,
In whom I confine.
Let us become one,
So that a zephyr of love,
Can finally veil.
Up the ladder:
I Hate You
Down the ladder:
One Moment to the Other (v2)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4074073
Posted: June 14, 2003 4:18 PM PDT; Last modified: June 14, 2003 4:18 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.4039273 Overall Rank: 772 Comments:
[n/a]
deleted user @ 162.83.169.231
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14-Jun-03/4:22 PM
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Reply
I especially like the final stanza, nice job -9-
[n/a]
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215
> deleted user
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15-Jun-03/9:50 AM
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Reply
Of course you do, you stupid shit. You have absolutely no understanding of poetry, so you're amazed by anything that looks like it might be meaningful (read: contains words like "zephyr" and is impossible to understand on a casual reading).
Nicely done, did you know that I was the first person on this site to group together sets of haikus to tell a broader story? Now you do. My only red mark would be
"The prettiest one, Everyone meets in their life, That captures them so." Using one right before everyone? And then again later, unless your title was "one" then it might work, but not here. Change second stanza's "one" into a stronger none, or verb, such as nymph, thing, love, girl, can, upholestry, get my drift? Otherwise 8. Now leave me alone.
Noun or verb instead of "one".
put away the thesaurus
I don't own one :-D
It's good, but it aint that good. 7.
that would be 4 haikus for the price of one. and you seem to have done pretty well, despite the adverse tone in the commentaries... keep it up!
love the idea of combonation of Haikus, truly brilliant.
I love each one of these. Excellent work. A+.
10/10! 260 view(s)
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