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One Moment to the Other (v2) (Free verse) by nentwined one moment to the other goes
by way of circumstance;
one moment from the other flows
in slow inertial dance.
one moment to the other, slight,
is where we spend our worry --
'tis but a brief and fancied flight
that causes us our hurry.
one moment to the other, long,
is hardly there in mem'ry:
where once a moment boasted strong
'tis now but only temp'ry.
one moment and another pass
in that which is our consciousness
in spans too short or long to grasp...
one moment here, one moment less.
Up the ladder:
Janine (a set of haikus)
Down the ladder:
Writer's Block
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4038463
Posted: February 2, 2003 11:36 AM PST; Last modified: February 2, 2003 11:36 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.4038463 Overall Rank: 773 Comments:
[9]
JakeBike @ 67.84.170.224
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2-Feb-03/3:42 PM
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Reply
the last line feels jilted of a few beats. other than that--much, much nicer. still sways sing-songily, but is much cleaner.
Does using word varations like temp'ry, mem'ry, 'tis make a poem more poetic?
Yes, of course it does, you cock. What the fuck do you think poemes are? They're either rhyming verse or pieces of prose with linebreaks that having confusing parts in so when people read it they don't understand it and think it must therefore be about something "higher" than humans that we weren't supposed to understand, i.e. "beauty".
YOU'VE BEEN TO THE UNIVERSITY OF LIFE AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING TEACH YOU THAT? WHEN SOMEONE HOLDS A GUN TO YOUR HEAD YOU'LL LOSE YOUR PRETENTIONS PRETTY FUCKING FAST MISTER. PIE AND A PARIS BUN.
um too late.
he has already had several guns to the head, and, no luck. but, i'll take the pie and the bun, since he's no longer eligible. okay? gee, thanks a lot, pally! (um, i know it doesn't make up for you and your lungs splitting and all, but, I THINK YOU"RE SWELL!!!!!!)
Yeah, I know he has already had several guns to the head, and, no luck. That's what happens at the University of Life.
You shan't be having the bun. You may have the pie if you complete a questionnaire about Omnibuses.
Where would one find said questionnaire? I am hungry. And have an answer for everything. (So says my mum.)
Bring it on, Sirrah!
How would I know? I don't have one.
you, sir, are a first order CAD! to tempte me with a bun, and deny me the questionnaire which would facilitate its delivery unto my rapacious palette! good day to you!
:hands the lady two buns and a severed head besides:
an awful lot of chatter for only two votes on the poem ;)
2 buns! (hmm, is that equal to a buttocks? her mind races back to the table of weights and measures she never really memorized in home ec. damn! she can't remember. rather than risk looking like a fool by asking "where's the rest of the body," she decides to treat the head and the two buns as separate entities, and replies graciously) thankee kindly, good sir. and a severed head! a brunette! most excellent choice! this completes my caucasion collection! (she is grateful he did not bring her another asian trophy; she's had to discard 3 already this week, and the trash man has been complaining about the weight of her bins.)
you are too kind!
good thing I bought you lunch while i was there, can I have my arms back now?
O.O.T
An fair point. However, I would urge you to daily read the copy of the International Herald Tribune, which can be found in the Library.
A good day to you.
One moment, Goode Sir! I see that onefingeranswer also speakes of the sweet honeyed buns:
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j are these the buns to which you are referring, and are they, indeed, buttocks?
I do not know whether you are talking to me or to the rascal nentwined. In any event, the bun to which I was referring was an Paris Bun. It was neither honeyed nor a buttock.
I speake with you, Sirrah. for future reference, please recall that: i'm in heaven, when you smile.
Moreover, the bun was never on offer. 'Twas the pie you had a chance at. I behalf this whole pullover has been partible illiberal scone.
fine. slibe an illegiblr creain. clotted cream aside, to you, sirrah!
goode evening! godspeed! rest ye merrrie. erp.
no, more just cramming in the syllables because I'm not a poet enough to have better words. Though I like 'tis.
No, but apparently your face does.
Did you know I once invented a board game called Facial Justice? It was ace. It was a wond'rous combination of Monopoly, Cluedo, Pictionary, Mouse Trap and Scattergories. A ha, no, I jest. I don't know what the fuck Scattergories is like; I've never played it.
What the fuck is this? HUH? COOK PASS BABTRIDGE
all this over some delicious and sticky buns?? this is why i stick to meat...ah yes...delicious and sticky cow buns.
Why sir, do you make me need a shower. bye. now i must vaccuum. everything. again. AGAIN! you know what i've fond? the process of compulsive cleaning helps my sole cope with time and kale and being a secret agent. It's wholesome good clean fun. whoops gotta to go... the dryer just chirped.
idea... make the poemranker pointer selection hand a middle finger, but only for those with poemwanker awards and me and da.
The universe just seems so big and uncaring, doesn't it? And life too short... I like the rhyming scheme--simple--but the flow could have been better in spots. 'Sides that, I like.
TYPICAL NENTWINIED STUFF
really touching
Nice way to capture the unceasing progression of time.
good use of shakespearian rhythm
Li'e wh't y'u d'd t' temporary.
ta, maybe. :)
i think i like this one the most of all of yours i've read so far. it has such a sway to it, draws one in...
thank you. :) It is nice to think that my poetry skills may be slowly improving.
Pretty damn good. 8.
I liked this and the rhyme is well done except for the last two stanzas. Not sure I like mem'ry and
temp'ry and you need to ask yourself if you would have written thus if there was no need to rhyme. Also, last stanza..."in that which is" seems awkward as fillers to balance the rhythm and pace. The second stanza is my favorite.
Yeah, mem'ry and temp'ry suck balls. I know I wouldn't have written thus if there was no need to rhyme. Thanks for the feedback. :)
a good attempt. seems to miss saying something important.
a little bit "mannered" in a way that I quite like. I have, actually, no fucking idea what "mannered" means, but i've been accused of it before and it seems to refer to a quality that I see here and like. 8.
Well Done this is a grand poem, love the opening, ahhh opening I need one with my job 8
thanks. :) I need a *#&$ job, period. :/
Tick Tock Tick Tock, The Ever Running Clock
At the chime It will be 7 o'clock
great use of "o'clock" to rhyme with "clock"!!!!!
quit swallowing your syllables and speak, dammit. the age of reason has long since past and your classical restraint is torturous to the romantic notions presented.
too long
one moment to the other, groin,
by way of circumcision; trousers down I shout "Purloin!" and pray for close precision.
'Tis true.
heading towards something great
fanstasterical
lovely
Be sure to read my latest poem - Theology - It's amazing!!
Very easy read, I like it.
You almost had me until temp'ry ... nice try, doesn't work. At first I thought you were going for a sonnet and I think you should try to take it there.
it's pretty rad... i like it
Nice poem... gives a message but also stays hid. I like poems that can't be fully understood leaving the reader room to fill in the gaps as the see fit... thats how some of the best poetry ever written has been. Keep up the good work and keep on writing.
THIS IS GREAT!SMOOTH & GENTLE<NICE & SWEET!
Why the 's in the third stanza? You had a good flow 'till then.
does that mean our moments are really hats we sat on accidentally and we are in disguise when we get dizzy?
I will meditate upon this. Wait is meditation the one where you and your friends squat low in a circle over something?? No?? 7.
I liked the first three paragraphs. The fourth one broke apart, I think. Maybe massage the second and forth line in the last paragraph?
A little too much Pink Floyd.....
I loved this poem
Who says 'tis? The concepts are good, but it's a little too eighteenth-century for me. 8/10.
vermicular in a very good way
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