Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/10:56 AM
On first reading, I thought of a storm having some portent in lightning - cagy like a cat. Then I read your explanation, and the poem again. Frankly, I don't see the club scene even now. I think you've leaned too far on the side of poetry at the expense of leaving your readers without the sensation you want them to have.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/10:43 AM
Think of the 'being in a club, too shy to go and talk to a girl, finally giving your courage the appropriate metaphorical kick, being at a loss for what to say, then looking up to find she's gone off with someone else' scenario. The purple rolling sky sits nicely with the smoky, dimly lit air in these places, I think. As for the voice, think thunder following the lightning - like the lightning's at a loss for words. Also, 'over ground voice' was meant as a sort of play on 'over-ground voice'. I always think my voice sounds harsh and grating when I'm straining to speak above the noise in clubs. It doesn't help that I hate the places... Make more sense? I've been trying to figure out ways of increasing the clarity in this one without giving too direct a reference to what I'm talking about.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/10:41 AM
I wrestled with the tenses, and decided to use present tense in the first and last verses, and past tense in all the others. The real story is past tense. But the reality of it is so close in present thinking that I almost still “have a man who wakes with me.” I understand how that is confusing. His “lumpy arm” was muscular from hard work. I never thought of it as ungraceful, but I see how you could read it as such. Thanks for your comments. They give me another perspective on a story that can easily become ingrown and uncommunicative if held inside.
Re: Absolute Pants by Garrett S Sexton	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:36 AM
The title is the acest thing about it. Ciao. CIAO.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:27 AM
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:21 AM
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice. The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
Re: a comment on Sensually Literary Villanelle by bwaha	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/4:00 AM
Nothing wrong with that. From everything I've heard, it seems to be easier to find a good book, although you're more likely to find a decent read than a decent man in the most popular section (guess who's in a bitter mood today =D )
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:27 AM
'Kodak graves' is great, as is 'Allah...his beard an omen in clouds' (regardless of whether or not they were actually cirrhus). I'd agree about the last stanza though. Stanza three is magnificent.
Re: Once by xXxDemonicAngelxXx	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:24 AM
If you're looking for feedback I'd recommend giving some first. This is okay, not my style really but there are some good lines. 'You once were the savio(u)r of the day' reads nicely. 'here every sound' should be 'hear every sound'. Too many cliches though, invent rather than take what you've heard before.
Re: A child's father by rahson_s	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:20 AM
Yes, this isn't at all bad. The title's a bit awkward (a child automatically has a father, and to be a father requires having a child). I think you're going for the emotive effect there; in which case 'A Son's Father' would probably work better. Good content, it feels a little too informal in places (I mean, I'm thirty-three', 'never once') but they aren't hugely important criticisms - just how I read it.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:16 AM
Reads like a diary entry up to the last stanza. The first two lines are a great intro, but the main body feels like it could do with a little...well, poetic exaggeration. You don't have to go over the top with it, but in my opinion it could do with a little more embellishment with the factual aspect.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Good description, nicely vivid. Is there another meaning that I'm not seeing? The last line is great to read aloud.
Re: Fiery Hands by Sunny	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:08 AM
There are some top lines here (you seem to be pretty consistent at coming up with good stuff!) but some bits don't keep up the standard. And I really don't like the disjointed stanza endings - personally I'd turn them into properly punctuated stanzas (as Dovina suggested). Excellent imagery though. It's great to see poetry like yours here.
Re: Monsters by raven_the_poet	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Line 19 ('arteries') seems to be without a rhyming partner line, have I missed it? Nice style of writing, as has been said it's not the most gripping subject matter (it felt like you were playing a computer game in some places) but then again, master art takes mundane and mediocre themes and turns them into fantastic works. Keep writing, you've got great potential!
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/1:55 AM
The only thing I'm not sure about here is that you start in the present tense, then go to reminiscing about the past...and I got the impression that he left you/you left him, in which case he can't wake with you as stanza 1 suggests. I may well have missed something (poems longer than about 3 words always require me to read them twice), if so disregard what I said. If it is the case that the two of you split, change stanza 1 to the past tense. Also - 'lumpy arm' didn't go down well, not at all graceful. I guess maybe he wasn't graceful, but if you were in love I'm sure you could have found something more flattering. Other than that, great! It feels rather like a neo-folk song.
Re: a comment on Cat Feet by Niphredil	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/1:46 AM
Yes, I'd agree that it works better like that - it needs the explanation that is offered in that stanza.
Re: Happiness & Old Age by Caducus	rahson_s 72.68.197.36	2-Apr-06/10:28 PM
softly put, i enjoyed the read.. bravo.\\
Re: From Womb To Wood by Caducus	rahson_s 72.68.197.36	2-Apr-06/10:27 PM
I liked this alot..
Re: a comment on Monsters by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	2-Apr-06/1:44 PM
I'll try to edit some later if I get a better idea. Thanks for the comment.