Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	3-Apr-06/2:30 PM
the first -within- could be replaced with a semi-colon, I think. I'm no puncuation master. The last line, remove -almost-. It will speak louder and step better. Yeah, -corn, a few. Baaaad girl.
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/2:27 PM
Or even "burrowed in the barrow".
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.10	3-Apr-06/2:24 PM
The cadence is what reminded me, I guess.
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/2:21 PM
I do remember Christof (that nice sculpture poem), but what does he have to do with Salukis? Or woad?
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	3-Apr-06/2:19 PM
Woad? Yes! It's twoo! It's twoo! If you changed the color and the setting,(not that you would, and barrow to borough, You get another poem. I love the saluki lean. remember Christof?
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/2:18 PM
I didn't know--cool link. Thanks. Not Amon exactly, but I think Saluki was headed that way. Woad, though--well, I'm not sure. You'd think I'd know. ;)
Re: a comment on Monsters by raven_the_poet	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	3-Apr-06/2:16 PM
Thank you ^_^
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/2:11 PM
Amon? Did you know color was very symbolic to Ancient Egyptians. Here, I found you a link: http://www.egyptianmyths.net/colors.htm
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/1:19 PM
You start off great, with a natural voice and nice half rhyming but then you start Yoda talking and your rhymes get a little forced in the second half. Make the second half look a little more like the first half and I'll ace you.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/1:06 PM
I think you entangled your metaphors too much. Maybe if you use the first stanza to set the scene and then the second stanza to explain the event.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/1:05 PM
I think you entangled your metaphors too much. Maybe if you use the first stanza to set the scene and then the second stanza to explain the event.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/12:04 PM
"Again, I see him wake with me." Thanks, I think that's better.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/11:58 AM
Ack--what am I smoking today? I mean: "I don't think it went far enough" or "I don't think you went far enough w/it." Either one.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/11:54 AM
Ah, I get it. Still, if you have to explain it, that's a clue, often, that there's not enough given in the poem itself. One easy way to get that sort of double meaning across without making it too literal or obvious is to do what you did and use the title as a key--but I don't think it went far enough w/it.
Re: a comment on These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	3-Apr-06/11:32 AM
The last two paras summarize the essence of what I'm going through and how I accept my challenge rather than mourning and brooding and being totally depressive and pessimistic. I believe in a life of hope... and there's no better source, to me, than from the one on the cross. And the archaic language is in relation to the archaic faith that has been tested over the centuries. I feel it fits the mood, though I'm willing to agree with the major consensus on this.
Re: a comment on A Country Anecdote by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:28 AM
Ah, okay I see your meaning in stanza 1 now. Perhaps rather than changing the tense, turn 'I have a man who wakes with me' into something a little more ambiguous. 'I always wake seeing that man...'? A clumsy way of putting it, I know, but with a bit of refining it might work.
Re: a comment on Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/11:18 AM
It's not necessary to read Psalm 23 first. This is a scene I saw wihle riding a bicycle along a country road, and it brought to mind the Psalm. But you may interpret it entirely without that reference.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:14 AM
I'd better go and revisit Psalm 23 myself before I comment more on this. I like it a lot though.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:09 AM
It does have the meaning you gave it, the 'club' reading really only applies if you've been in that position. It was on my mind when I wrote it, so I guess that's why I saw the images that I did. I'd like to think that what I write is generally speaking fairly ambiguous, at least enough to allow for other readings. At the same time, this is more a 'personal piece' (whatever that might mean. At the risk of sounding tremendously pretentious, 'A cagier lightning' is an anagram of my name. Hence why it's easier for me to apply the title to the poem.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:02 AM
'Pulling out the negatives...' - good passage. First sentence of paragraph 3 I don't like, unpleasant and somewhat cliched. I'd replace the repeated 'teardrop', the first time you use it is fine, after that it starts to wear, and makes the piece seem like you were struggling for words. Last line - "heaven's". Critique aside, I enjoyed this. 'memories that I barely recognised and had no desire to recollect'...I felt that line strike.