Re: a comment on Loser by Freethinker1602	Freethinker1602 173.79.157.175	7-Mar-10/8:02 PM
notice how all the original crap is all the same? thanks for commenting.
Re: sculpture by ThePariahDog	nypoet22 75.74.32.242	7-Mar-10/6:54 PM
neat!
Re: Day Of Reckoning by Kitch	jh99 75.252.58.205	2-Mar-10/5:00 AM
Do you read these out loud after you write them ? There are so many " forced rhymes " and clichés that it's painful to read. I would suggest that you look at the lyrics of real songs like Lennon's " Jealous Guy " and Reed's " Endlessly Jealous " to see how you can say so much with so little. Think about metaphors, symbolism, and even using catch phrases to renew this write. As it is, needs a lot of work.
Re: The Cereal Killer Blues by <{Baba^Yaga}>	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/7:31 AM
If I could use an eraser on the first part it would make it better.Do you have any real lyrics offereings or is this a fun game for you ?
Re: Life by Son Of A Bitch	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/7:08 AM
Forced rhymes and clichéd whines. A-A-B-C-B-C...A-A-B-B...A/A-B-C-B the rhyme scheme. A/A means implied/slant rhyme, not working here.
Re: Drowning in Me by scitz	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/6:44 AM
First stanza a bit lengthy but good, second not so much. Too many forced rhymes and bizarre images of cuckoo birds acting like the cow bird or a raptor such as a hawk that cause devastation in the bird world, or even the crow or raven.
Re: Watch Out by Nicholas Monson	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/6:38 AM
I like the originality of this. I think though, that if you experimented with the rhyme scheme it could make it stronger. Maybe a chorus would help as well.
Re: Windmill by the Sea by Jeremi B. Handrinos	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/6:29 AM
Seems incomplete. Perhaps " You left ( me ) wanting ( Leaving me to come ) back for more ". Do not be afraid to involve more imagery, metaphors on the wind, windmills, even references to being Don Quixote or Sancho Panza and relationships being the mythical dragon. Typo on " too " should be " to " instead.
Re: John K Rhyming Dictionary For Beginners by Everyone	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/5:47 AM
This helps. Another thing that would help if aspiring Lyricists would test out their themes in different poetry forms to learn how to use the rhymes better. Villanelle, Rondau, Pantoum, and even Sonnets. This is a great list thanks for posting it up.
Re: Minoan lover by Jeremi B. Handrinos	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/5:43 AM
Too many forced rhymes. The concept is original but the forced rhymes ruin it. Good start though.
Re: Break Down by Jeremi B. Handrinos	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/5:42 AM
As one who writes lyrics as well and currently have some under contract, this is a good start. The ideas in this are coming off as original but seem too forced to be strong. I do like that you added the music chords and notes, something that I am working towards. Do not be afraid to look at all genres in music to inspire you. I write for anything from Bluegrass to Reggae to Ska to Folk, it makes you a better songwriter in some ways. This is a good start.
Re: a piece of me by Freethinker1602	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/12:47 AM
I'm finding out how clichéd this writing is. If you want this thing to be better, come up with more original thinking. This sounds like every POP song I hate.
Re: Under My Head by Blindpoetry	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/12:43 AM
I am absolutely confused by the lack of sense in this and the structure of some lines makes it worse. If this was intended to be abstract, it's too structured, and it's structure is too abstract.
Re: Dear Brother by Miss B. Haven	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/12:40 AM
The difference between poetry and a page out of a diary is very considerable here.
Re: Loser by Freethinker1602	jh99 75.220.45.254	28-Feb-10/12:22 AM
Apart from Tom Petty, and some Bollywood films, Free Verse lyrics are rare. This however has a lot of clichés and the pacing is way off. These do read as lyrics with the repeated stanzas. You need to seriously rethink your efforts on this and try to write something more original.
Re: Dad by Sheeva	jh99 75.252.241.16	27-Feb-10/1:44 PM
Too many " forced rhymes ". Try alternating the rhyme scheme or dropping it altogether and use different descriptions for the emotions, make it fresh and original that way.
Re: Black Magic by <{Baba^Yaga}>	jh99 75.253.161.35	27-Feb-10/9:14 AM
This is very well written. There is hope after all.
Re: Helmand's prisoners by Caducus	jh99 75.253.161.35	27-Feb-10/9:11 AM
This is awesome. Original and powerful keep it up, the world needs writings like this.
Re: You Chose by some deleted user	jh99 75.253.161.35	27-Feb-10/9:09 AM
Not Free Verse, and the rhyming way too forced and clichéd. " Giving me chills " why ? The ending lines in the last stanza offer up hope for this piece.
Re: happy new year by ThePariahDog	jh99 75.253.161.35	27-Feb-10/9:04 AM
Not in the purest sense Free Verse. It feels forced at times, perhaps running the theme through different forms and changing the rhyme scheme could strengthen it.