Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:50 AM
she is the starlight fairy, of course! at least that is the way i tell it to my daughter, although not in poem form.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:23 AM
oh, and thanks for the comment on the shadow bit. i thought it worked well to convey the time of day... [see, for that one you *suggested* working with the time of day and did not give the actual phrase. a nudge, if you will, i prefer...]
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:21 AM
excellent suggestions, although i cannot [in good conscience] use "watercolor laugh" now that you outrightly suggested it. i will work on that idea of duality some more to tighten it up. and FIE! those syllables. i *will* correct that blatant oversight.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:17 AM
thaks. it actually was tougher than i anticipated. it is tricky to make some of the rhymes not seem forced. as it is, i had to play with line structure a bit in that sixth verse, line two. other than the obscure word choice that Ranger indicated, i think it works fairly well.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:15 AM
oh, thank you. your comment is appreciated.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/6:14 AM
yeah, that word i always pronounced "stay-beel", but "stay-bile" is also correct. i had a hard time finding a word rhyming with "while" that was not way out of contect with the rest of the verse. when i began this form, i thought it would be easier than it is. i guess i am not overly familiar writing tercet verses. and the rhyme scheme actually makes it a bit tricky, but i like it. it really does link the verses nicely.
Re: Lost and Found by annadoc	pollywolly 80.192.49.144	18-Apr-06/4:12 AM
you say in the end lets turn it around but i dont get it as through out the piece you are both negative and positive sides on each line so what needs to be turned around? it seems a very confused piece.
Re: Downpour by annadoc	pollywolly 80.192.49.144	18-Apr-06/4:05 AM
i think a better quality of poem could have been written by focusing on the final line but so much has been said in a short piece where live feels like a continous downpour
Re: Don't touch the chairs in a gay bar. by Stephen Robins	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/1:38 AM
You never struck me as being the sort who'd bother with gay bars.
Re: Lost and Found by annadoc	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/1:37 AM
The opposites made me think of that Meredith Brooks song, 'Bitch' ('I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed...'). I'm not sure about there being so many questions in this, to be honest, and the couplet rhythm is very abrupt. Still, there are some good ideas in it.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/1:30 AM
Decent edit. I've thought more about this and the double meaning in here is great. I was a bit hasty beforehand. It made me think of those bombers who disguised themselves as women, 'warheads' works really well with this. Damn good thoughts in here, vote increased accordingly.
Re: The Unknown Soldier by abcmonkey78	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/1:26 AM
Firstly, 'The Unknown Soldier' is the title of a Doors song; you might consider changing it in case people make assumptions. There are some good lines and metaphors here - 'iron hawks', 'leaded hornets' (should probably be 'leaden hornets'), and the last line is pretty smart too. There are a few too many commas and semicolons (as has been noted already), and a couple of grammatical crits, but on the whole it's a decent poem.
Re: a comment on Face of Iran by Caducus	Caducus 86.141.200.191	18-Apr-06/1:22 AM
watts it is then, thanks.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/1:20 AM
It's taken a long time to come up with anything useful to say. I really like this one; I think you nailed it with the edit - it ironed out the couple of flaws (minor flaws, to be fair) in the original. The only thing I can say here is that 'ride on my shoulders Sunshine' might open up the possibility for drawing parallels with the myth of Atlas (which would fit the general fantastical feel of this). Good poem.
Re: a dream by lmp	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/12:47 AM
An enjoyable yarn, with some beautiful word choice. It feels like you might extend it further, describing who 'she' is (a goddess, a creator maybe). Nice read.
Re: meeting her gaze by digipoet	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/12:40 AM
Okay, critique o'clock. Too many uses of 'face' in such a short piece; the first stanza made me think this was going to be humorous/parodying. Find either synonyms (there are plenty of online dictionaries for these sort of things) or use different images. Second stanza is good, I enjoyed it. 'Parcels'? I didn't quite get anything so postal from this. Unless it's computing-based (I know just enough about technology to see there may be a connection). And again, 'face' appears too often. Final stanza - good idea, although Icarus comes in a bit unexpectedly (I've been guilty of doing this myself, it's true). The only real clues you give beforehand are 'meager rise/its ceiling low' which isn't really enough. Good ending though. I liked the form, I liked the rhythm and I liked the rhyme. I just think it needs the content worked on.
Re: floss every day by digipoet	7!3 219.95.8.65	18-Apr-06/12:37 AM
lol nice..
Re: talkstupid by 7!3	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/12:33 AM
Interesting idea. Well worked, although Dark Angel did it more concisely in haiku form. I like the asymmetrical mirroring of the last stanza with the end of the first. Let'snot Giveintothat boringcliche Knownas Emo
Re: actually chicken and mushroom pies are nice too by cav	Ranger 81.158.79.113	18-Apr-06/12:28 AM
You don't live in Cardiff, do you?
Re: talkstupid by 7!3	digipoet 68.117.39.63	18-Apr-06/12:16 AM
lol! nicely done