Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Ranger 81.158.79.113	17-Apr-06/11:45 PM
It works better, although the second line of that stanza is a syllable over. Perhaps 'She runs, her shadow shortens'. That would also eliminate the repetition of 'as'. I wouldn't change any of the imagery in there, it works beautifully, and with the shadow you manage to capture the middle of the day without being unnecessarily explicit and wordy. Suggestion for you to play with as you see fit: 'Watercolour laugh' - if you were thinking of changing the last line of stanza 2. It would fit with 'She runs', and would augment the 'lightness' of the piece. Just a thought though, you may not feel it's necessary. Vote moved up to 9.
Re: Sunlighting by ALChemy	Ranger 81.158.79.113	17-Apr-06/11:30 PM
Why have I not read this one before? It's gorgeous. Killer final line.
Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	Ranger 81.158.79.113	17-Apr-06/11:25 PM
'Stabile' jarred, the rest is wonderful.
Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	Dovina 12.72.34.110	17-Apr-06/4:55 PM
Good use of the Terza Rima rhyme scheme, without seeming forced.
Re: jay by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/1:54 PM
Math poem fans: "Gregory K. Pincus, a screenwriter and aspiring children's book author . . . wrote a post on his GottaBook blog (gottabook.blogspot.com) two weeks ago inviting readers to write "Fibs," six-line poems that used a mathematical progression known as the Fibonacci sequence to dictate the number of syllables in each line. Then, last Friday, . . . slashdot.org . . . linked to Mr. Pincus's original post, and suddenly, it seemed, Fibs were sprouting all over the Internet." Story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/14/books/14fibo.html?ex=1145419200&en=e0ccb44acd92493d&ei=5087%0A
Re: jay by ecargo	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/1:50 PM
Pulitzer (announced today) for poetry goes to Claudia Emerson for _Late Wife,_ - "Epistolary poems about losing love and finding it again." http://www.nytimes.com/ref/arts/pulitzers2006.html (registration required) Three poems by Emerson for anyone curious about what Pulitzer Prize winning poetry looks like: http://www.poems.com/threeeme.htm
Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny	richa 81.178.249.71	17-Apr-06/12:25 PM
The last line is a bit tame. I like the enjambment in the main, my mood/changes especially.
Re: Don't touch the chairs in a gay bar. by Stephen Robins	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/11:40 AM
What? No votes? Even beardless and guntless, very funny (though not as funny as a "cream-horne of Jesu"--but what is?). I used "gunt" (the word, not the unsightly appendage) in conversation the other day.
Re: greymo(u)rn by lmp	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/11:37 AM
Nicely descriptive, and the lack of narrative (story, whatever) is fine, but while reading it I kept reaching for more of a--well, not a point, exactly, but some sort of earlier payoff. The point seems to be the longing, and I think the last stanza gets there (to that payoff point), but the lead-up is a little too scene-setty for me. I think less of a linear approach might work, e.g., starting off with "it was better before the fog burned off; at least the mystery of what may be hidden within was appealing." The usual disclaimers here.
Re: a comment on In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/8:01 AM
In his mind, he watched her - thought of her when she was alive. Thanks.
Re: a comment on In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/7:58 AM
“Winding rain” does imply wind, as the rain winds its way at an angle. The 61 years are for specificity, but maybe that’s not needed. The thing I want to show in his perseverance and that he always did what he could.
Re: a comment on In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/7:56 AM
I agree that explanations are like male nipples if they are not contained in the poem. But anyway, the “trunk” is the trunk of his car. And, he nailed the flower pot to the ground by pounding a chopstick down through its bottom. It actually worked pretty well.
Re: In Ethel’s Honor by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/7:53 AM
Simple and vivid=good. "Then watched her" in the second verse is a little confusing.
Re: Another quarter. by richa	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/7:49 AM
Other than "scalding" and the pie, ace in my book. Simple in all the best of ways.
Re: Skellington Bakery by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	ecargo 167.219.88.140	17-Apr-06/7:48 AM
A yummy cautionary poeme--most light and flaky (like the fabled Cream-horne of Jesu, I imagine). The footnotes were the cherry on the treat.
Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/7:39 AM
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse. I think you mean botching.
Re: a comment on Another quarter. by richa	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/7:31 AM
Maybe it rides over the sticks.
Re: Another quarter. by richa	Dovina 12.72.36.175	17-Apr-06/7:30 AM
Some good connections: scalding frost, cuts like a cigar. scend gone like a left-out pie. Spring sprung. Good.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	17-Apr-06/7:18 AM
ah yes. well sometimes i do wonder myself. so i guess the duality is real. don't believe that she does knows about knights yet, so that one *is* a stretch... thanks for the comments.
Re: Another quarter. by richa	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	17-Apr-06/6:12 AM
rides (comma) sticks? and cuts/clips? thst's it for my nits.