Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/2:47 PM
How does it work? You say. I don’t see even half of the things you mention. Frankly, it seems too ambitious. To get all of those ideas over to your readers, even the extra-smart readers - well, if you do it, hats off. I sometimes think that a poem I have posted, like “In Ethel’s Honor,” is easy to understand. My fear in that one was that everyone would find it too simple and lacking any importance. As it turns out, my clear thoughts were not so clearly expressed, and most people misunderstood at least part of it. All I was trying to show is that he was a persevering man who did what he could. Sometimes I intend double meanings, even triple meanings; but I’m beginning to think that if I get just one simple idea across, the poem is a success.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:43 PM
Cheers =D the recent posts of mine are reasonably good, much better than the early efforts. But then, I've learnt a lot from poemranker. Much more so than from English lessons, which actually says quite a lot for Kaolin.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:38 PM
Fayre was meant for 'fair' as Dovina said, but I rather like your version. I might try working with that idea. Similarly, your ideas for the 'arrow' passage look good to me. I think I lost the thread a little by being so specific with 'cedar bow'. 'Feathered' is vital to the piece though - the arrow was meant to be the phoenix and also the pen which wrote these lines initially. It was written to receive a pretty close reading. I don't want to make life easy for you guys! This also gives you scope to craft interpretations which I missed - like the hunt, which fits nicely. In all honesty I didn't write in the Columbia at first. It was only when I reread an earlier draft of it that I made the connection. My father was friends with Rick Husband, so I imagine that's why I linked it. Ambiguity in some poetry is good, at least according to me. The one I'm working on at the moment is intended to take that to the extreme, but it's a long way from completion (somewhat ironically, as I wanted it ready for Easter). Thanks for commenting, it seems to be something of a struggle to get comments these days; all feedback is appreciated. I look forward to seeing your villanelle!
Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:26 PM
Hmm. Nice to read, ecargo, thoughtful and full of regret. Every Pimple poet should read this to learn how these should be done, how the emotion should be controlled. I know I could have done with it at times. Great second stanza. Could the open hand idea give rise to card games? In a way it's the juxtaposition of honesty and competition. Honesty rarely wins in competition. And I rarely make sense in these sort of comments. Ah well. Good work.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/2:25 PM
thank you. have been reading some of your latest. wow~!
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/2:21 PM
it works as complexedly as ever, to be sure. i did read this through once and had to cogitate on it a bit and come back again for a second read before commenting. in fact, after reading this i went to work on a villanelle myself, but i cannot publish until tomorrow evening. rrrgh! at first i was suspecting the traditional phoenix myth, which you have captured, but throughout and especially in the last verse led me to believe i was witnessing a successful morning hunt. i am not sure what metaphor the arrow and the cedar bow play in either of the stories. the "swift dart from lava flow" works well for the space shuttle... perhaps the "arrow feathered, hewn from bone" may work to describe the misfortunate end of the astronauts (as well as rhyming a bit more precisely, but i am not picking on the "stone - bow" rhyme, either). a very complex work, and wonderfully chosen words. the images are tangible, yet still morphing into the next line just as they are grasped. also, i took the spelling of "fayre" to be archaic for "fire", or is it - as Dovina noted - for "fair"?
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:15 PM
Any time. There are plenty of rhyming dictionaries online; some of them useful. I know you don't want direct suggestions, but I reckon there are a fair few alternative phrases which would fit nicely and be a little less tricky. If I'm honest, my main problem with 'stabile' is that it instantly made me think that you'd misspelled 'stable' - even though that obviously wasn't the case, it still forced me to reread that line, which in turn interrupted my reading of the poem in its entirety.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:04 PM
I'm liking this edit. It seems more, well, complete than previously. You've got the day theme done well, I forgot to say earlier that I like how 'golden curls' invokes images of noon sun. Feel free to use anything I suggest; I tend to assume that any phrase I put forward won't be transferred directly, but sometimes seeing a passage in print triggers a train of thought which arrives at a different yet related phrase. This has a great variety of words in - something which is often lacking somehow in haiku collections. Overall, nice work.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/1:58 PM
As long as it made you think, that's the main part. Actually, it's meant to operate on three levels. There's the story of the phoenix (the literal story here), then there's the 'meta-vil' bit (rebirth of a poem from an old, dead one - of which I have many, hence phrases like 'A fallen leaf turns often'). Then there's the part which I am still working on - it's a metaphor for the Columbia disaster - I may have to find a way of building it into the title too. And finally there's the aspect which joins it all - 'feathered'. Most of the meanings of the word have been used in here with double meanings. 'Pitched', 'turns often in the air' (being a play on 'turns off', as in turning off an engine while in flight, 'glory's talons...' meaning 'feather in one's cap', and so on. So, with the explanation, how well does it work?
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.36.4	18-Apr-06/10:40 AM
Sad and good. I don't know about the Rapunzel line. The last 4 lines need more of a lulaby sound, I think.
Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	Dovina 12.72.36.4	18-Apr-06/10:33 AM
"tri-ku" seems bland for a title. I would stick with "my girl's day."
Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo	Dovina 12.72.36.4	18-Apr-06/10:29 AM
I like the second verse; it's different, but familiar in feeling. The first verse could lose the first line, I think, and the word "down" in line 2, since it's repeated in line 5.
Re: a comment on Morning City by Jack Diamond	Jack Diamond 71.103.98.44	18-Apr-06/9:23 AM
Settling for laied made me realize, hey, I guess I put my cat in this situation with me instead of giving him to some rich folk to ponder on. I can just picture him laided out on this little night stand I found and placed by my window. He would lay most night and day on that thing until I accompanied him outside for a walk.
Re: a comment on Morning City by Jack Diamond	Jack Diamond 71.103.98.44	18-Apr-06/9:11 AM
I agree. It is very staccato in the begining. I have to tell you, that my walls were paper thin, I had those slit window/blinds, and lived right next to a freeway. One of the busiest in the world. The ally adjacent to my living space was very active morning noon, and night. Homeless, junkies, prostitues, and even death have been through that alley. For all the frantic pulse in that time, there were sweet city birds in the morning too. With my eyes closed, it sounded as though all of those creatures I had explained were all in the same room with me. So I do believe a sense of staccato was quite an inspiration for the poem. Thank you for the comment.
Re: Skellington Bakery by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	18-Apr-06/9:08 AM
This is a woeful departure from the standard -=D_A=- pump. This, I suspect, is written by someone trying to ingratiate themselves into the Rutherford Club, only to be found wearing no spats.
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/7:59 AM
a torrid subject, to be sure! i feel awful after reading about it; it is like bad news in the papers. i like how the second verse nicely foretells of daddy's exploits in the third verse. and then it leads me to think that maybe she is fulfilling her own destiny? if the second verse is what Mummy sings, i think quotes may help. also, i don't think the last two lines are required. perhaps try changing "Princess" to another word that would convey his infidelity by definition [hint: ends with "-ess"]. the fact that he is buying the flowers means he will do this again, hence the last two lines become superfluous. well written...
Re: Sunlighting by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/7:42 AM
i don't see my vote showing up on this one in my favorites anymore. did you edit? if so, i still love it!
Re: A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree by Caducus	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/7:34 AM
a wonderful tribute, beautifully crafted. i echo many comments of those before mine. this is bittersweet without being sappy, poignant in just the right doses. very very very well done. a favorite, now.
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/7:18 AM
i think this fits in here: "Donsen's Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything." Always liked that one... :P
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.36.111	18-Apr-06/6:55 AM
With the old spelling of "fair" and the Phoenix legend, I predicted the end. But did so wrongly - nice.