Re: Life (the circle) by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/12:45 AM
Well, you listed it as a Pimple so I guess I was forewarned. Let's start with the good aspects: it's not from the first person perspective, and you keep the pronoun usage down to a minimum (which is a very good thing in poems like this). There are a couple of nice images in here - like the scroll, but not nearly enough to give it a tactile feel though. You've also got some fairly creative ideas, linking in the words with four letters. Now for the crits. If you want to transform this from a Pimple into something which more people will read (and more importantly, enjoy), there are some pretty fundamental points to be made (if you just want it as an emotional release, that's fine...but people won't read it). Firstly, whereas there are no taboo subjects in poetry, not even depression and angst, these sort of topics are massively overused. So you have to be incredibly inventive and original to keep the reader's attention and interest. The abstract concepts you talk about in here (life, pain etc.) can be found in about 95% of Pimples, so either don't write about them, or find something completely new and unique to describe/explain them. The same applies to 'drowning, loosing (losing?), suffocating...' etc. I've already mentioned about giving more imagery with the abstract stuff. Read a whole load of the poetry on here, and any themes which crop up repeatedly, avoid. Or find a way of expressing them which hasn't been tried before. Attempting something new will get you more respect than reciting stuff that's been said a billion times before, even if the original writing doesn't work at first. People here will always give suggestions and help you look for connections and metaphors. Oh, and that's the other thing. Metaphors, similes and analogies will get you extra points in poetry. The trick is to make the reader do some work; don't spoonfeed everything to the audience. Okay, that was a fairly mammoth comment but hopefully it'll be of some use to you. Angsty poetry is very difficult to get to work well. The closest I've managed is with a glosa ('Inbetween Lovers') of god'swife's 'Blueprint' (read some of her stuff). It's a great feeling when you get it right.
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	Ranger 81.152.176.97	19-Apr-06/12:21 AM
Great flow, energetic and fast. 3 typos: Spontaneous, ingest (although I like the idea of playing with ingest/in jest) and heist.
Re: Eclipsed Heart by Richard	*.*ReAdY To SnAp*.* 65.93.143.241	18-Apr-06/7:33 PM
Whatever floats your boat...it certainly has a twist..Lindsey...<6>
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	*.*ReAdY To SnAp*.* 65.93.143.241	18-Apr-06/7:32 PM
Amen!!! I'm feeling this...Lindsey <8>
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/3:59 PM
Ah, gotcha. Yep, your interpretation was some of what I'd intended to include. I don't know if the 'meta-villanelle' bit comes across enough. I know we have metakus here, but it might be a dubious link when other styles are concerned. This was essentially on not-too-dissimilar lines to my 'Struggling Poet's Lament'.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/3:37 PM
Oh, I didn't mean you should use it. It was just what I thought while reading yours - another interpretation.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/3:33 PM
Good idea, but tricky villanelle material :p
Re: a comment on Buddy by ALChemy	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/3:26 PM
We do, but it's usually empty. You can go there and talk to yourself and argue back.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/3:22 PM
actually, i looked at some of those rhyming dictionaries. but what i got back were words that would be so far flung from the feeling that they would seem very forced. stabile was bad enough. i will keep looking as i would like to polish this a bit. thanks.
Re: a comment on meeting her gaze by digipoet	digipoet 137.22.131.60	18-Apr-06/3:19 PM
thanks for the comments ... it is supposed to be a humorous piece about not being able to get it up. I did overuse "face" in the poem. The "parcels" of your face is not about computers or technology, but suggests that a face can carry a range of weighty messages. The subject of the poem is happy that condemnation is not one of these messages, but remains humiliated. Maybe three stanzas would be better: the parcels of your face i see reflect no condemnation my meager rise its ceiling low falls short of inspiration can Icarus spectacular survive humiliation
Re: a comment on Buddy by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/3:18 PM
*warning - ignorant-speak version* oh! wearin' a god-proof lid be the best thing i eva did. ain't nobody can tell that _my_ "do" ain't gelled especially the preacher's kid.
Re: a comment on A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/3:14 PM
Rahab
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/3:12 PM
Well then, here’s one: A fallen leaf turns often in the air The wind lifts and turns it, moving it the wind’s direction, fickle wind the bird controls, but the leaf cannot.
Re: a comment on A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/3:10 PM
Good quote. Who's the most famous (infamous?) Old Testament prostitute? And more importantly, why can't I remember her name?
Re: a comment on Buddy by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/3:09 PM
*this i read in a book, so i take no credit* ever hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? used to lay in bed at night wondering if there really was a dog. you guys are a scream. why can't we have a live chat room?
Re: Buddy by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
wow. this reminds me of a sappy yet somehow tearjerkish poem i read once about the dog as the ever willing servant to the master, licking the hand that beats him, and so on. but, the last line clinches it. the plot twist. leading us along a stray thread only to tie it all in at the end. very nice. however, maybe your master *does* run fingers through your hair, but not literally (oh that's good, since we speak on the written word!). very good.
Re: Story remains the same by annadoc	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
Nice ideas. I think it deserves to be longer, simply because it rests on cliched lines (stories remaining the same, sum of all parts etc.) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in its current form it's just a collection of lines which have been said many times before. Yet I can tell there's more intricate thought behind this. Give some feedback to other users' poetry and hopefully they'll reciprocate and give you some useful inspiration.
Re: a comment on A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.34.116	18-Apr-06/3:02 PM
John 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:59 PM
Well, basically, this poem was meant for a very close reading. Maybe not Derrida, but approaching that level. I don't expect people to see everything I've put in here, but then again I expect there to be other readings of it which I've missed (Imp's already given one). The primary intention is to get a poem which reads well on the surface. You got that reading straight away, so the poem is successful (as long as it's enjoyable to read, of course). I am, on the other hand, interested to see what interpretations other people give this (and others of mine). If the ideas that I've consciously included come across, then the poem's even more of a triumph. If not, then I have to decide whether I can write them more clearly without disturbing the surface poetry. Thank you for commenting though (on this, and everything else). Getting a variety of thoughts is pretty much essential if I want to write universal poems. 'In Ethel's Honor' was a top poem, by the way.
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.51.218	18-Apr-06/2:50 PM
Good stuff. Imp's pointed out 'Princess', and Dovina has said about 'Rapunzel', both of which I'd substitute for something more Old Testament, which fits with Aaron - and also, 'tenements' conjures up 'tenets' as well (tenets of faith). My brain is a bit burnt out at the moment (still recovering my sleep pattern from doing night shifts), but a biblical whore (not Magdalene though, I don't think she'd fit) would seem right. Try as I might, I just can't bring the obvious name to mind right now, I'll let someone else help me with the Scripture.