kingfisher
on A box floating high in the skies by Corey McHattan
5 Aug 2004, 4:21 PM
I like the reflection in the back and forth views. Well-written. Have you tried this one on pathetic.org?
Others are attempting genuine feedback. I'll attempt the same, stipulating that this is a fine effort that I like very much. I'm most concerned with two incongruities:
1. Half-concerned. It doesn't seem to fit. The poem didn't seem to be building to the point of concern. Elated, intrigued, comfortable, satisfied -- variants on these words would seem (to me) more appropriate. When I first read the half-concerned line, I thought you were trying to draw a contrast - but I didn't know with what. It took me out of the moment.
2. Sweat. Before that point, you were painting a cool picture. Cobalt breakers, dulcet breeze, beer garden. The black and tan is warm, not hot. So why is she sweating? Nervous? Pissed that you drank her beer? I'm not saying she can't perspire, just that the day seems breezy and comfortable, not hot and sweaty.
too much
what is spledor?
Boooring! Where's the story?
Powerful.
Muddled. where's the story, bud?
Too bad neither one of us is bad enough to grace the worst list ,eh?
I think that this would be good if it was trimmed down some.
Thanks. To the instincts of traveler and poet.
No, not sober. I have just stopped drinking alcoholic beverages forever, for the third time in twenty years. As for enjambment, Haiku is so rigid that it begs for it in order to make any sense.
I think that Zodiac once(perhaps more) refered to me as a "dimtard.' If that comment had been in regard to my comment on this poem, I would have to agree. Yeah, I see what you mean about the masts brushing. Don't know about haiku commas but there should be a natural caesura at the end of each line. If I had read more carefully, I might have caught the masts waiting and the sheets brushing. Too much lack of Alcohol last night. Three weeks and counting the seconds.
again, I should trust my instincts. upgraded.
"curiously evocative"
Mmmm - evokes a feeling of consternation and unsettled bow'ls in me.
i think the masts are waiting and the fog is brushing. "Tall, waiting masts?" or is the fog waiting and brushing? Great images.
because fish poon Mike really likes!
Hey great use of "nifty" to rhyme with "eternity", and "fast" to rhyme with... "ass"!!!!111 -10-
We're all brats, aren't we?