Dovina
replying on To Leave a Trace by Dovina
19 Oct 2004, 5:35 PM
Wrong and bland
such a terrible curse.
I suppose, in addition,
I have told and not shown.
No, no. It's wrong, but it's bland too.
I wonder why you break rhythm in the last three lines.
I weep with joy
for Christ has conquered
As a tree delivered
Him to hades
now a tree releases
me from bondage
Just a thought.
Thanks for your thoughts, I'm sure you thought 'quick' hard about this. "Token" is quite literally what we were doing in the back streets. Trust me 'speed of light' sounds a lot better than "going a hundred fifty two, not stopping for the lights red and blue", and the repetition is a reflexion(kinda of ties the title down).
<3 Jason
This is a disastrous attempt at poetry. It is among the worst I have ever read. The subject couldn't be less original, and the way you have written about it is utterly unremarkable. Your work is completely devoid of alliteration, simile, reification or any such literary devices. It is devoid of rhyme, devoid of imagery, and devoid of punctuation. The language used is whoppingly dull, and the overriding impression it gives is one of unbelievable mindlessness. The arbitrary line breaks and use of repetition are the only things that separate this bulgingly stupid dumpling from a blob of prose. Congratulations! -10-
A short story with too many "then"s and commas, Not a poem.
"often crazy in the head" about sums it up.
Nursery rhyme madness. Why? They are mad enough as is.
Quite good, especially, "the victim of lies became what he despised." I would omit the last 3 lines.
The daughter is her daughter's child. On it goes. Well done.
thanks...
Of course, all that you say is obvious. How could I have missed all the clues? Maybe it's because you are all hiding behind the computer screen. I guess I should be comforted that you aren't teaching in the states and screwing up another generation of young, impressionable minds. I hope you're teaching over there. Maybe you can win the Islam/Western Pragmatism war from the inside by destroying the Middle Eastern childrenâs minds instead. Thanks for the grammar lesson, Johnny.
They all say that.
I thought it was rather clever. To cast myself as the character I had accused DGB as being (hispanic shoe shiner) and then use his voice to bring together the sentences 'people who insult those they will never meet are cowards' and 'towel haired nation' both of which he used in a previous posting. I think I made my point about his duplicity.
You too. Way to make sense. The way you went from "I'm always let down when someone who I will never meet insults me" to "not in some towel haired nation" was like fisting an elderly pedestrian from a moving Hyundai.
And you ought to have been here long enough to know I'm married. To a woman.
Where'd you get any of these ideas? I'm outsourcing myself because someday I'll be able to write a great tell-all book about why Islams are really so impossibly dull and stupid, made timely and bestselling by whatever current or continuing so-called crisis there happens to be at the time.
PS-Colossal dimtards put unnecessary apostrophes on plurals. You fail. And hey, congratulations on saying so many interesting and original things! Your Hollywood readings bit was singular!
PPS-Everybody here except for you already knows who I am. I'm John Updike. You fail times two.
heh, good donnie darko reference
Had to delete those comments. I don't think his/her criticism makes any sense and I try not to subject myself to people like him/her. Thanks everyone else for your comments. I do appreciate it.