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Fake Happiness (Free verse) by WithoutLife I look happy and joyful,
But the look in my eyes shows pain.
You hear a contagious laugh,
But I sob in silence.
The smell of my lotion fills the room,
But it is to cover the scent of showering tears.
Friends enjoy the sweet snacks of our get together,
But numbness has seized my taste buds.
I fool you with my warmth,
But then you touch my ice cold hands.
My secret is out
Up the ladder:
A poets call to arms
Down the ladder:
Breakfast in Bed
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Posted: January 8, 2004 7:25 PM PST; Last modified: January 8, 2004 7:25 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.243686 Overall Rank: 4020 Comments:
AH! I love this piece! ..so sad, but the lines
"Friends enjoy the sweet snacks of our get together, But numbness has seized my taste buds." ...amazing! whoever gave you a one - THEY should be the ones' in sadness, not you.
What's "amazing" about it, Captain Gush? Nobody ever says "seized" out loud. When you write "seized" everyone knows you're an angsty teenager trying to write dramatic, soul-searching explorations of pain and beauty, or some shit like that. A shoe can write better than WithoutLife.
Whats wrong with being an "agnsty" teenager? Being an Angsty Teenager, atleast, gives you a poetic feel in life - good or bad...
u all are stupid fucktards, yea yea, fuck my grammer and my spelling, listen poetry is MEANINGLESS without feeling, without feeling its just a bunch of crap if its happy or sad it needs feeling, just because u think they r sum "angsty teenager" doesn't mean they I mean u don't kno them for christs sake, so b4 u fucking judge ppl get to kno them, most "angsty teenagers" write that shit because its a stress relever(like I said fuck my spelling, I don't give a fuck u can blow it out ur ass) it helps u get past sumtin thats goin on or sumtin that pissed u off, if u have no reason to write what ur writeing or no feelings in it then its just a load of bullshit
my spelling and grammer suck ass at the moment and I cuss a lot actualy I don't kno y, I'm kinda pissed but I'll get over it
You should channel that anger into taking the time to speak clearly.
like I said I don't give a fuck about my spelling or my grammar nor do I care what you little shits think about it
and sorry about my brhavior and my language, I appoligize
Fucking pussy.
Look, its a fact: If you don't care about your grammar/spelling (and decide not to improve in those areas) YOU WILL NEVER WRITE ANYTHING WORTH A FUCK!?! Oki doki motherfucker? Oh, and its "behaviour" & "apologize". Oh and if I've offended you with my asshole routine? GOOD BITCH. And I won't apologize. Ever.
nicely put.
Once, in the jungles of your asshole I battled the great beast 'Sumptin'. After severing its face from it's lower intestine I crawled out a new man, though wet and covered in smegma. So when you say "fuck my spelling" are you trying to take our focus off of you being a lazy retard, by convincing us that you make up for your lack of writing skills with 'feelings'? How do you expect to convey feelings to your audience of 0 if you can't even form the words to describe a feeling to fucking begin with? Perhaps, you'll send us all snap shots of you beating yourself into the shape of a poem with 'feelings' with a ten foot turd bat with your initials on the handle you nicknamed Beefer? Hack.
Everyone, who are you to judge what is poetry and what is not? You are not a poetry god, you do not know everything. In fact, you know nothing. Obviously, you don't know what it's like to be a teenager, or don't remember.(In other words, you must be pretty old) You may call it angst, but sometimes it can just be downright painful.
Also,this is more aimed towards people who feel that they are being fakes,feigning happiness when in reality they're just depressed. I know this, seeing as I'm one of those people. Maybe you think it's horrible, because you can't relate to it. You are being entirely too harsh. This may not be something by Robert Frost, or e.e.cummings, but that doesn't make it horrible. She is an amateur.And I don't say that in a mean way, only in the true sense. Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is a good beginning. I'm sure your first few works weren't a masterpiece, therefore you shouldn't expect everyone else's to be. And while constructive criticism is helpful, what you're doing is just making her feel like she'll never want to write again. So back the fuck off.
Everyone happens to be the best we've got here, so take it or leave it. I , personally, learned how to spell 'bumpercarhooking' from everyone, and now my home squishes think I'm the chiz.
I've read his poetry.
He's the best you've got? I'm sorry.
Don't be. We're not. You're excused.
Perhaps, you're reading the poems under 'everyone' and not his pen name?
Of course I can relate to being unhappy, you boob. Every human being can. Teenagers on the whole aren't any more unhappy than adults on the whole. The only difference is that, while most adults can pull themselves together no matter how awful they feel, most teenagers instantly collapse into self-pity, write a few lines of careless, unpracticed verse about their emotions, post it on a public web site, and call it a poem.
That teenager gets very upset when someone criticises his poem for not being poetry, because he thinks poetry is just writing about your feelings, when it isn't: it's writing about anything you like, but with careful attention to the use of language. "Who are you to judge what is poetry and what is not?" Look it up in a fucking dictionary, or, you know, read some actual real published poetry. I'm not criticising anyone for being an "amateur". I don't know why you can't understand that. There's nothing shameful or wrong about being inexperienced. But there is something wrong with taking a totally wrong-headed approach to poetry, which is what Blindpoetry and chums are doing. One more thing: about "constructive criticism". I don't know what you think it is, but I'll tell you what I think it is: Criticism that tells someone where they're going wrong, and what they might do instead. You know, like what I've been doing. In conclusion, you can go suck a fuck, Elizabeth.
heh, good donnie darko reference
umm...you do realize everyone is more than one person? Although everyone is not, strictly speaking, EVERYone, everyone is already a significant percentage of everyone THAT MATTERS. I myself am not everyone, yet, though I probably will be at some point. You shouldn't criticize everyone too harshly, because you yourself might end up being everyone some day.
I must agree with everyone. this sets new perimeters to cliche poetry, and very well could be the secret missing formula. But the line "sweet snacks of out get together". made me laugh and itch ring worm.
love it your really good....i wish i was this good.... anyway, i gave you a big fat 9.
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...they have editors for that purpose...
The first refuge of the moron with an inflated idea of their own "creativity" is to claim that spelling, punctuation and grammar are irrelevant to writing poetry. You think there is some beautiful, deep spiritual feeling in your soul which you express to create poetry. You are wrong. Poetry is not "the expression of my feelings in words". "Creativity" is for weaving a sausage cosy for your mother in arts & crafts class. It means dick in poetry.
Poetry is knowing how to fucking use language. Great poets aren't great because they express their fucking feelings. They're great because of their incredible command of English.
If you can't spell, you can't write good English, and if you don't know how to write good English, how the fuck do you think you'll be able to write poetry? It's like saying you want to be a sculptor, but you don't want to go through the difficult work of learning how to chisel. If you were a sculptor you'd create a marble abominations that looked like a mauled hunchback, but you'd think it was beautiful because it expressed your love for best friend.
What you're writing isn't poetry. It's guff. You can't write a pleasant-sounding sentence to save your life. Read your work out loud. It's absurd.
"Your tears blind you
You cannot see"
Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You're not in a fantasy novel. People who know how to write don't write like that, because it sounds like a retard being crushed by a bulldozer.
In conclusion, stop posting. Thanks!
...I am not trying to accomplish entertaining anyone except myself and whoever it is for... I simply post so I could get critisized and work on what is hurting my poetry. Obviously, its clear you hate it because it sounds like a novel? or it just sucks to no end? ... and i was half-way joking - and you are partially right. But without meaning, what is poetry? just some little MEANINGLESS talent you have? .. something that you write that doesn't express any of your feelings? You just care about how it is written and how it sounds? True, you do need good grammar, but you also need feelings. without feelings, it is meaningless. Why start a fight? Why say fuck a million times to act tough against me? I'm only 13, trying to improve my writing so I can give them to my love, or keep in my secret stash of "feelings"...
...why say thanks? I'm going to keep posting.
The reason your poetry doesn't work isn't because it "sounds like a novel". It's not because you don't have the right feelings. It's nothing to do with feelings.
It's because you don't put together words in any kind of pleasing way. You just mash them together in a melodramatic soup.
"Without meaning, what is poetry?" Poetry, as I said, is the "art of language". What painting is to brush strokes, poetry is to words. If you don't know how to use a paintbrush, you can't paint, no matter what sort of feelings you might have. If you don't know how to use words and how to fit them together, you can't write poetry, no matter what sort of feelings you might have.
Imagine if someone who had never tried to paint before showed you a terrible, incompetent painting and asked you for your honest opinion. Because you're being honest, you tell them it's ugly.
"But it comes from the heart!" they say. "How can it be ugly? All you care about is how it looks!"
Their reply is absurd, because painting isn't a competition to see who can have the best feelings, or who can draw the most "meaningful" picture. It has elements of that, but painting is painting because you paint. You have to have mastery of painting before you can express anything with it effectively.
You don't need feelings to paint well. It might be that you feelings to paint an artistic masterpiece, but before that you need to know how to paint.
Similarly: You don't need feelings to write poetry well. It might be that you need feelings to write a poetic masterpiece, but before that you need to know how to write. You need to have a mastery of English and the sound of language before you can effectively express feelings with poetry. You might not like it, but that's the way it is.
If you want to improve your writing, stop writing poetry and start writing prose. Read constantly. When you can write a decent sentence, then maybe you can start on poetry.
P.S. I say "fuck" a lot because "fuck" is an ace word.
...I can write a dedent sentence. I've written a few short stories, and I think two are in my website. According to everyone who read them, they were good! ...so why not take a shot at poetry? ...if I quit posting, how do i know what to work on? Yes, I can read other "good" poetry, but I can post see my hurts at the same time.
See your hurts? How long did spend in english class to come up with that sentence?