Dan garcia-Black
on Trust by Dovina
2 Nov 2004, 7:54 AM
I like the use many pronouns that make the meaning of the poem seem ambiguous at first. It took me a couple of reads to "get it." Cool.
yes it is
Not terrible. *8*
Is this about bulimia? I don't get it. *7*
The final stanza is probably the best final stanza about metaphorical butterflies I have read this month.
*9*
An intriguing poem at least. Nothing completely wonderful about it. *6*
'I wash my face/ and water splash' means you wash a water splash. Punctuation needed methinks.
'feel the shame' about vomitting seems a bit over the top. If getting pissed is cool then so is vomitting it back up again.
Also 'now you lay in the flame' seems an odd line to use. It would probably be more meaningful if you were talking about a drink it is traditional to set fire to and drink. Just a thought.
The lines 1-4 set up an expectation of a certain rhythm. And then lines 5-10 use a different rhythm. It all makes the poem difficult to read. I would at least split it into two verses.
'all are we' at the end is an inversion purely to make the poem rhyme. Such behaviour is very wrong.
Playing with peoples expectations of where rhymes are to be can work very well. But you must beware that it does not always work.
Rather than talking of fascists as you giving the definitive statement it would be better if a character in the poem was saying it. Telling us with your first two lines about fascists (in trees under logs) makes you sound kind of paranoid.
Yes, I clearly see his crippled maw.
Christ...
Contentedness is quite unattractive to poets. It seems the more you learn the harder it is to actually finish a poem. Then someone like Dan garcia Black, who doesn't know much and hence writes loads of poems, claims that the only thing that seperates him from a good poet is that a good poet has a thesaurus. The good poet does have a thesaurus. He wants to smack Dan garcia-Black over the head with it.
"are you with me Dr. Poo, are you really just the shadow of the man that I once knew?"
So do you think it needs meter or re-classification? I was kinda excited about writing a sonnet, but I don't suppose it's a real one, is it?
Real sharp comeback dr smooth.