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Butterflies (Free verse) by Caducus
blew the dust from her flesh. Kissed the lattice of her denier. Rolled them slowly down with lips, loneliness and its shadow as one. From grainy pixels to real warmth, the longing now dying like greenwich mean time and mocking equators. Her exposure quakes my hungering fingers, which once held quills that wrote of love, and now hold the very essance of it. Writing my desire in clear ink, waxing us as we move in fusion, real touch born from cadavers of dreams. I say unto her 'we are here my love' Hands click through glass mitten, telling us the earth is turning carving the valley through our bed as star spangled banners move westward in the english wind, like lovers in a hotel duvet saying goodbye in glances to meet again not as moths in borrowed silk but as butterflies in seasons of the afterlife.

Up the ladder: Control
Down the ladder: death

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.8
Weighted score: 5.2145653
Overall Rank: 4411
Posted: November 2, 2004 4:52 AM PST; Last modified: November 2, 2004 4:52 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] D. $ Fontera @ 204.98.2.23 | 2-Nov-04/7:13 AM | Reply
The final stanza is probably the best final stanza about metaphorical butterflies I have read this month.
*9*
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.14.17 | 3-Nov-04/12:56 AM | Reply
In all seriousness, I would spend less time worrying if I'd included enough polysyllables and more time fixing hack, overwrought and ungrammatical sentence structures. Like the repeated subjectless past tenses in the first stanza (including bonus mispunctuated last two lines!) Like "from... to" in the second stanza. Like the incomplete present-participled sentence in the third (and, bonus! more incorrect and missing punctuation!!!) Like "saying goodbye... to meet again", which sounds trite AND is hard grammar. Like comma-bound non sequitors throughout.

PS-Do you think there are seasons in the afterlife?
[n/a] Caducus @ 81.130.200.189 > zodiac | 4-Nov-04/1:31 AM | Reply
If there is they have to be warmer than the ones in this.

To answer your question - yes i do.
[n/a] Caducus @ 81.130.200.189 | 4-Nov-04/1:32 AM | Reply
God was i just optimistic?
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