Bhaskaryya
replying on Lovelier Than Love by Bhaskaryya
30 Dec 2004, 9:04 AM
Ironically I wrote this earlier than the ones I posted before. Perhaps I am deteriorating!!
Love stanza two.
I like this poem very much, your skills are getting better. I bless you with a -10-
mediocre
The sentence that begins "It's the escape I get..." is not grammatical. You have to take out the "and" to make it right.
"groomed" and "trained" in the second stanza seem weird. At least, it doesn't seem obvious that she trained you to groom yourself.
Also, by the time you get to "it took her years to teach", you've too many adjective clauses.
It was really pretty good up to that point. Then it gets heavy-handed at the "spiritual emptiness" part. People blather on about showing or telling or whatever, but what they're really getting at a lot of the time is that it's just not likely your narrator is so self-aware. So instead he burns the dinner or forgets her name or something, to show how he's like subconsciously spiritually empty (or whatever). It would work a lot better than that whole third stanza.
Actually, I'd like it better ended after the second bit. Or I could think it was really good, changed only very slightly.
Out of curiosity: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
Just out of curiosity, what in your opinion is the best line ever written by ee cummings?
Surely this is an example of your Buddho-Tao Confuscist Humanist Christian-Luddo-Zenist "not doing anything". However, it's totally crap. I'm calling the Doctors' Commission - Ph.D. Revocation Sector. Your days are numbered, buddy.
And don't you ever suspect you might just be too lazy to
1) accept that the world is an illusion, and a disciplined pursuit of enlightenment through fasting and meditation is the only way to Paradise (a la, a real Buddhist)? AND,
2) accept that Jesus Christ, either by death or example, saved humanity from primal sin, and God-love and emulation through self-sacrifice and otherwise good deeds are the only ways to Paradise (a la, a real Christian)? AND,
3) accept that the saving action of humans regularly acting somewhat decently toward other humans is the only thing keeping us from extinction (a la, a real Humanist)? AND,
4) bother about the level of clarity and discipline required in attaining some zen-like state?
In short, total bum. You could be sitting on your couch in your underwear watching Happy Days and call yourself a 'Buddhuist-oriented Christian Humanist who would like to be in a Zen state of perpetual "letting be."' It sounds like something people say while beating or ignoring their kids, which is the worst thing people can do and makes angels cry.
As regards being too big to answer my questions (as that's surely how you see yourself,) the fuck you are, running around the internet begging for anybody you can find to tell you no, it ISN'T a sin for you to get off by whemying. Pal, the person who does that is not too big for anything. You left your shame at the coat check, now answer my fucking questions.
12) Does it ever bother you that the only way you can go through life without your head exploding is by refusing to answer any point that bothers you or contradicts your Neo-Christian-Super-Zen Knockingism or whatever? Oh, no, wait. That would only be if you allowed yourself to answer one of those nagging questions. Well, good work, buddy!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!
i really have absolutely nothing to do with this conversation, but i would just like to interject that e.e.cummings is among the greatest poets that ever lived, and he didnt randomly make up words, if you actually examine his work, you will find a purpose for each and every word he made and rule (grammar-wise) he broke
not meaning to sound harsh - but i just thought i would make my opinion known
(i am aware that noone cares, however, so no need to tell me)
-mega
i love the imagrey in your work
beautifully composed
wow - i love this
truly great work - one of the best ive seen
like the rhyme scheme
- i give it a 10 -
~mega
great work - love the imagrey - perfect 10.0
You are a poet and I like your style, it says something and says it well.
nah.. I just forgot commas...
It's vague because of "nostalgia alumni" which maybe should be "nostalgic alumni." And because of "prophecy non-existent else minimal" which maybe should be "unfulfilled prophesy."