Doug
on Occam's Razor by Quarton
11 Jun 2004, 11:49 AM
kind cool, almost clever.
Last week I had orange foam hanging out of my ass like a mud flap. This week, bon bons.
(fleckier)
Nice poem.
I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.
As ever, beautiful.
How many people visit this site anyway? Like 3 a day?
Could somebody critique my poem please?
Splop
Lyrically, I have no problem. The language is tightly-wound and it sounds good. The issue I take, though, is more typographical in nature. The enjambment of the lines and that punctuation aren't doing anything for me, and I find it a little distracting to the point where it's detracting from my enjoyment of the piece.
Very interesting structure. Cold and analytical. Chose better words.
Only...what?
Good gravy twice.
How is this a poem? Are you a mental retard?
Nice rhyme, very cute.
smooth
Bisexual Pair of Ducks (Free verse) by Jaime El-Gran-Tronchador-Chingon-Hijueputa-Jon