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First Kiss (Free verse) by david When he first discovered his dentures
in the garden, he put them
in a glass of cut flowers, watched them
sprout water lilies between the teeth.
Each flower frightened his wife like
a snake asleep in her clay pot.
When he smiled, his gums
were pale roses pressed for years
against the fishbowl of her dreams.
It was always that way between them,
the soft bites underwater, the kisses
that leave a taste for decades in their mouths.
Up the ladder:
untitled lyric
Down the ladder:
Memory Fragment I (lets kill eachother)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Posted: June 11, 2004 10:47 AM PDT; Last modified: June 11, 2004 10:47 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.6723537 Overall Rank: 2053 Comments:
Did you cop the idea of false teeth sprouting flowers from 100 Years of Solitude?
Swish.
I didn't 'cop' the idea, no.
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I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.