god'swife11 Jun 2004

Nice poem.

I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.

I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.

Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?

the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.