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First Kiss (Free verse) by david

When he first discovered his dentures in the garden, he put them in a glass of cut flowers, watched them sprout water lilies between the teeth. Each flower frightened his wife like a snake asleep in her clay pot. When he smiled, his gums were pale roses pressed for years against the fishbowl of her dreams. It was always that way between them, the soft bites underwater, the kisses that leave a taste for decades in their mouths.

god'swife 11-Jun-04/12:44 PM
Nice poem.

I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.

I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.

Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?

the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.





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