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First Love (Free verse) by Dovina The brilliant sunrise
Of this winter morning
Turned to bright reality of day.
I wasnât winter-broken,
I thought it would stay.
Up the ladder:
A Little War Victim
Down the ladder:
In My Words
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5
Posted: September 2, 2005 11:21 AM PDT; Last modified: September 2, 2005 11:21 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.6723537 Overall Rank: 2057 Comments:
Deeeeeeeee! please go for the beat and not the look.
....I wasn't winter-broken, though, I thought that it would stay. I hate using extra words too but the first three lines hopscotch nicely.
Is your point that "I wasnât winter-broken, though, I thought that it would stay." has a better beat than "I wasnât winter-broken, I thought it would stay."? Do you really mean that four beats is better than three? The prior lines don't carry a steady number of beats, why should the last two? Is rhythm really more important?
Ultimately I would say that rhythm is not more important. I DO think the first 3 lines set up a nice beat and I thought follow through would be good. Hmmm. Maybe l-4 is okay. one more beat in 5?
Um, because seasons and sunrises USUALLY stay? Forgive me if I think the problem's your expectation, not the sunrise.
Do you really not see the point?
I DO! I DO! I DO! (skipping gayly around Zodiac)
Skip straightly around zodiac, if you want. Do you think he really didn't get it?
no. i'm sure he got it. skipping is sooooo much more fun with wild arm flailing . you should try it!
The lady next to me did that in a charismatic meeting and hit me in the eye.
maybe that's what they mean by -too gay.
I thought that it would stay.> I think this is the rhythm I would have chosen, and I would have thought that it added more 'connotation' to the whole thing. In fact at first read, I slipped it in there, then reread, and realized that it was not there. May I add to the discussion about rhythm...to me it is ALL about the rhythm...if the rhythm is off it just doesn't feel right to me. A piece can be astoundingly deep and say mountains of worthwhile things, but if the rhtythm is off I will never be happy with it. Personally, I worry more about rhythm than even puncuation. (I know, it shows!!) Decent piece, though.
The word "that" when used in a poem is distrsacting to me. I avoid it in favor of brevity, and at the expense of rhythm, most of the time. Meaning is better than rhythm, in my possibly obsolete opinion.
Yes.
Dovina wakes up on a winter morning and sees the sunrise and thinks it will stay. The other 5,999,999,999 people on earth wake up and say, Oh, a sunrise, too bad it won't stay. But then, they're not poets. Do you see my point? PS-Yes, I know it's a metaphor. Ibid.
I see, and saw before you said the trite thing, your point.
Oh. Remind me again, what's this conversation about?
I asked you if you really do not see the point of the poem. You answered âyesâ you do not see the point, but added that you realize itâs a metaphor. You rambled about the reality of sunrises. I said your point was trite. Thatâs all itâs about as far as I can see.
Oops. I meant, yes I do see the point. The part about sunrises is, as far as I see it, the point of the poem. To recap:
Woman wakes, sees sunrise, thinks it'll stay, it doesn't, because she's silly. The fault isn't the sunrise's, nor even necessarily the human condition's, it's just the woman's. Are we agreed to this point? Okay, yes, I think it's not only trite, but a little dumb. I also think whatever you imagine you've learned, you still blame the sunrise.
She IS silly to think the sunrise will stay. That's the point.
You've inspired me to imitate.
FIRST CHEESE (haiku) by zodiac I thought my grilled-cheese sandwich would contain a ten dollar bill. It didn't.
I am surely not "winter-broken" either...lol...here in Canada, we have winter and winnnnnter...lol...:) Bethy
And after all that romping around. I must never have seen winnnnnter.
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But I know y'all missed me.