despite the ongoing comments by other people, I liked this it even made me go read more of your stuff....

Good poem! I know Rockmage gave you a 1, but ignore it because he gives everyone ones or zeros. He also has like another account where he gives his poems 10s! So don't think your poem is bad just because he gave you a 1!

you da senryu boss tongue stays within my own mouth crotch smells waft this way

Ok, Larry. I can call you that , right? I think i know what the problem is. It was your training. I'm betting that somewhere in grade school your teachers introduced you to poetry with childrens books and such.Innocent as it may seem (and it was), they failed to continue your education in poetry, leaving you singing "jingle bells" in a world that sings O-Tannenbaum. I think there are an incredible amount of us that had that happen. I know I did. And as such, I'm relatively "tone deaf" to poetry. The good news is, it's fixable. We just need to be reprogrammed so to speak. This isn't going to happen overnight, so be patient with yourself, the media (books), and your teachers, however they may come to you. Or at you, as may be the case occasionally. Let's get started. First, Let's talk about end-rhyme. If you read a poem out loud, ACCORDING TO THE PUNCTUATION, you'll see, or hear rather, that the rhyme almost disappears. Again, your teachers put unnecessary emphasis on the line ends, when they read. Like if every time you read a line and then banged a pot before going on to the next line, eventually you'd think that pot-banging was part of poetry. Now, Lets lighten up with sounds. Look at the ends of lines 1 and 3 in this piece of yours. Serene sunset/ human existence, kind of echo each other a bit. THAT is how I want you to reprogram yourself. No stress. Don't force the rhyme, just listen for it. No need to put it at the end of your lines either. Keep them close to each other, but let them wander a bit. Try free rhyming. This is fun. Watch El Bandolero Tell benny, you lose Kill bunny shoes Fell the low sand The sounds of the words don't have to be in the same order either. As long as there's some replay of sound, you're rhyming. It just takes practice. Forms are another animal altogether. We'll talk later about those. Hope that helps. P.S. One more thing. If you're serious about learning this art, you're going to have to like pain, and, revise revise revise. Later dude.

she died a poem and were you god ten would be the score

poor love, give him a cosolation point

ugh

god? ... god!

do you know, or do you want to know, what they are doing?

i'm sorry but your stuff is really dreadful ....

Small things. (to) in line 2 can go. and young dude. wet behind the ears implies that he's young. A little more after vlh maybe?

ahh ... yes; getting there (ps don't mind me ... i was crap at your age too)

Bloody hell. you know you've done ok when rockmage gives a 10. thanks (not for the score but for the :)

I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.

Good fun

Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with. -8- because I'm nice like that.

Good poeme, although the train comes in maybe a little too abruptly, and "very least" sounds a bit too chunky to end with. Love the idea though.

I like where you're going with this poem. Just a few minor adjustments and this would be good.

Exquisitely homoerotic material Edna. I can just envision the semen dripping down your chin. Hahahaha. Hope you enjoy your romps down there in queerville.

Uh , I mean Poofy Pete. You go girl!