Wow, this is pretty bad. How old are you? Check out my poem ....it's much more sophisticated. It's a true love story with about a lady friend.

This is better than alot of the other shit I've been reading on this site. I think if you work on some of the lines you could improve this quite a bit. I like your honesty and openness.

It looks like this may be an intelligent poem...I can't tell. I'll have to rate and review it at another time so that I can give a fair assessment.

You should change the title to Day Tripper...I think you would sell a few records that way.

Wow I know I don't write that great, but this is better then mine you say. I just want to know can you get a girl to look at you the same way I have no problem doing.

your last verse is creative and to the point - verse one and two are overworked a little...no need to mention tears too much, we get the crying from the second line...the last verse saves this piece, I really like it.

you started off so well with two verses of 3 lines, and ended with two lines of thankfullness and love. The third verse could be cut to 3 lines also keeping the original rhyme scheme...just a suggestion, you can turn a nice phrase

beautiful - image is so clear I wish I'd seen it. I would love to see a descriptive word in there for the daughter snug/warm in denim jacket, to follow on the caring of the mother as she carries her son..know what I mean?

I think tingle instead of tingling would bring this straight into the momment. I like this.

I gave in and went to the site...nice touch... :)

I'm not sure I understand this one...is it a dream? I am confused a little with the ending, is the protection offered only temporary?

love the vodka reference - brings a reality to the piece

having recently been amazed by fog in a tropical environment I connect with this...nice!

if this is a true account of a time in your life - tell of something that has a personal touch, for readers to connect to the melancholy of it all. Otherwise it's just nothing, a blurb on the back of a romance novel...

It's horrible - the indignity of being an old man... hurts huh?

would you actually say "hey young dude"? I can see someone saying hello my dear and hey old mate...It seems to me that the opening line of each verse is directed at the person, followed by your own internal musings about them. Is that right? I like this, really like it but the young dude kinda sticks...

awed

Remembering her makes me thrown...and nigh and ligh Not sure these should mean?

Oh, snap!

The mirror hints at not loving onesself, love that. Duress- still fels forced after 3 reads.