INTRANSIT
on On Any Given Day... by Skamper
23 Oct 2007, 1:15 PM
Gonna chew on this a while.
Polythene and aplologies. But you friggen nailed it!
To Rockmage: You have serious problems! It's not right to just go around and give everyone low scores!
Nice imagery and flow.
Strong imagery and intensity. I would ditch the punctuation allowing the natural flow to place the periods and commas. It is a distractor to me. Enjoyable read.
Entertaining. Nice imagery and flow. I generally do not like rhyming poems since they are often forced. However, the flow in this read was not disrupted. I would drop the period at the end of the poem. S4 was the crusher and stepped the whole piece up a notch!
This one has potential. I do not understand the caps on "White Storm", "Lovers", "Shatters and "Victim's". I also feel that the this would read better with shorter sentence structure, i.e.
"The lover's remain
separate
as the storm reignsd.
This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help.
Ah! Shades of Bukowski. What a wonderful read. This would go well in a darkened room among friends. Snug in the wooly cotton arms of infamy!
And, oh yes. The last two lines are pure Bukowski, so I would not be concerned with whoever this "rockmage" guy is. SOunds like he needs to read more and write less.
Hi forsaken. I would love to see this potentially wonderful piece trimmed to bare bones. There are so many unnecessary words and the meter is not fluid. You are also mixing active and passive voice,
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!
WOW
It doesn't really convey a point of sexual nature in Japan so it isn't really poetry of the dark ages when I was a young lad in a dark stormy winter night of July.
This one has potential but the structure and all the unnecessary punctuation is distracting. Try taking out ALL the punctuation. Rather than a comma start a new line and get rid of the CAPS. Also, count you syllables in each line. This is good stuff, make it great!
As a new member to this site this is the best I have read so far. It appears you have a creative flair but please spell check your "aplologies". Also, if this rockmage person gave it a 10 does he not see a couple of technical issues with this poem, since he sets himself up as a critic of some knowledge on poesie? That is if he has REAL knowledge. But I have read a few of his Senryus. Although a few are interesting, I do not see any prodigious SKILL.
This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.
We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
I hate the 5-7-5 restriction some people place on haiku, which in this case requires an unnecessary "the" in line 2. Otherwise good.
I, as a member of the FMO, am simply stupified by the sublime accuracy of your poem.
I totally agree.