| Re: Historical Epic by Bobjim |
Absorbed Intellect 82.20.237.112 |
24-Oct-07/8:18 AM |
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It doesn't really convey a point of sexual nature in Japan so it isn't really poetry of the dark ages when I was a young lad in a dark stormy winter night of July.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Musicman 192.208.44.100 |
24-Oct-07/10:15 AM |
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This one has potential but the structure and all the unnecessary punctuation is distracting. Try taking out ALL the punctuation. Rather than a comma start a new line and get rid of the CAPS. Also, count you syllables in each line. This is good stuff, make it great!
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| Re: Her name was Marjorie Harper by Caducus |
Musicman 192.208.44.100 |
24-Oct-07/10:27 AM |
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As a new member to this site this is the best I have read so far. It appears you have a creative flair but please spell check your "aplologies". Also, if this rockmage person gave it a 10 does he not see a couple of technical issues with this poem, since he sets himself up as a critic of some knowledge on poesie? That is if he has REAL knowledge. But I have read a few of his Senryus. Although a few are interesting, I do not see any prodigious SKILL.
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| Re: Winter Moon by Musicman |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
24-Oct-07/11:39 AM |
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This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.
We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
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| Re: Bullfrog Night by Musicman |
Dovina 75.82.86.162 |
24-Oct-07/11:40 AM |
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I hate the 5-7-5 restriction some people place on haiku, which in this case requires an unnecessary "the" in line 2. Otherwise good.
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| Re: Forever Moving On by Absorbed Intellect |
Dental Panic 87.209.75.3 |
24-Oct-07/4:24 PM |
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I, as a member of the FMO, am simply stupified by the sublime accuracy of your poem.
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| Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT |
Dental Panic 87.209.75.3 |
24-Oct-07/4:41 PM |
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| Re: RAGTIME by xyz |
alvinb 121.54.96.18 |
24-Oct-07/10:48 PM |
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are you my alter ego?... your poems are for comforting heartaches and mine is the pains of the heartbroken...
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| Re: _______ by Dovina |
Ranger 86.131.50.184 |
25-Oct-07/2:03 AM |
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It sounds fantastic, although I'm not sure that "underlined nothing" is such a catchy title...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 86.131.50.184 |
25-Oct-07/2:07 AM |
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It needs several reads to do it justice. Loads of punch, and the last line is the knockout blow. Awesome.
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| Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT |
Ranger 86.131.50.184 |
25-Oct-07/2:11 AM |
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No time for a proper commente just yet but I will say this has fired me up to write something today. Cheers!
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| Re: a bit of theory by pete |
Dental Panic 87.209.75.3 |
26-Oct-07/6:07 AM |
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I like it â especially the first line.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dental Panic 87.209.75.3 |
26-Oct-07/6:10 AM |
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I don't think you really need a 'you' to be an idiot.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dental Panic 87.209.75.3 |
26-Oct-07/7:09 AM |
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Great. Fun to memorize.
"But for the eyes' imperious intent
To see the battered self, and not to weep"
and
"He stared into the eyes he could not rule."
Brilliant staging. Yep, I'm gonna have fun with this one. I'll put you right next to Shelley's Ozymandias, how about that?
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| Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT |
Skamper 58.171.39.33 |
26-Oct-07/4:03 PM |
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If I had enough sense I'd be terrified by this
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| Re: On Any Given Day... by Skamper |
Dovina 66.215.80.177 |
26-Oct-07/4:25 PM |
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I love "she speaks cream linen from painted lips." Too many dashes throuout.
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| Re: a bit of theory by pete |
Dovina 66.215.80.177 |
26-Oct-07/4:28 PM |
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It would be nicer if you give reasons to proclamations. I agree though.
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| Re: Dark Matter by Musicman |
Skamper 58.171.246.128 |
27-Oct-07/3:58 AM |
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I have a problem with the line breaks because I want this to fit a rhythm my tongue can get around without spitting all over my monitor. And with saying that I feel like I've justified the whole concept with which you write...or did I miss something?
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| Re: Four Skins by xyz |
Skamper 58.171.166.45 |
27-Oct-07/4:06 AM |
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last line - pretty good
title spelling reminds me of a band
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
INTRANSIT 69.23.157.197 |
27-Oct-07/3:15 PM |
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This needs a little more, or a little less. Perhaps lose the >Remember.
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