very odd.

very much haiku in spirit. funny, I didn't get "A" or "V" in letters of geese, but then pictured the rest of the poem about their dropped feathers. hmm.

feels like it's reaching further than it's grasped.

I like the first two lines. And the blank spot. :) If it wasn't really intentioned (hard to say), and the last few lines were more self-referential, I might like it more.

How in the hell did I get here? What in the hell am I doing? I knew I shouldn't have gone to see you! How could I do this? -- I don't like those lines. I'm thinking up to that point, the piece might be okay if it were a bit more breathless. You pretty much completely lost me after that.

crescendo? pimentos? cute, but doesn't make it for me.

RE: I'm sorry, but when I see the words 'socialism and civic responsibility'...'institutions' that 'collectively' mandate you help a worthless neighbor, that you OWE something to anybody who has his hand out, that your sweat, labour, and reward should be used to raise 'the collective' of people needing your assistance...well...I stop listening. Responsible citizenship, to me, does not mean "responsible to and for the citizens". Exactly what do you think welfare is?

cute jabberwock, but didn't hold me.

Reads like a tortured synopsis.

first two stanzas are cute. third really breaks the flow in an unpleasant way.

up to "waited for you to invade dreams" flowed well for me, though "I tasted you in mind" started the downfall for me, I suppose. The beginning really needs an ending to make it exceptional, to me, and it doesn't get there.

The tense issues completely keep me out of this. As for punctuation, I'm a fan of using it grammatically in a poem. Three comes closest, for me.

The cigarettes will not likely burn the exits, unless you mean they will burn exits (leave out the "the"). Isn't it too late after exits are burned to change our habits? Maybe, "because we never changed our habits."

boring.

PS-From the other string: LilMsLadyPoet: I'm sorry, but when I see the words 'socialism and civic responsibility'...'institutions' that 'collectively' mandate you help a worthless neighbor, that you OWE something to anybody who has his hand out, that your sweat, labour, and reward should be used to raise 'the collective' of people needing your assistance...well...I stop listening. Responsible citizenship, to me, does not mean "responsible to and for the citizens". zodiac: That's all well and good, and I'm as egotist (or egoist, I always forget which,) as the next guy. But what would you say if I suggested that your future is very much in the hands of those people you refuse to feed? (Don't believe me? What are you paying for gas recently?) What if the odds are very high that you or someone you know will be blown up by some worthless guy you didn't hand out to? Are handouts justfied if they might prevent that? I'd very much like to hear your answer.

Ok, it's a children's poem...I can get with that...until I saw that comment, I thought you were a retarded.

Definite points for saying "I need You, Baby" to Jesus. And you got a nice cadence going. Message is a bit plain and word choice seems forced, but still. "I need You, Baby".

I like the individual images, but they're too disjoint for me. There's supposed to be a contrast that creates a larger whole, but here it's more of three little hops that leave confused ripples in muddy water.

too much fun. makes me want 'Milk Cult' background.

I'd like to get suggestions on the 4th verse..I don't particularly like it as is.