Brilliant! *10*

You can hear what this song sounds like played live here: http://www.myspace.com/thefrayedwires

Dovina, Frankly, this reminds me to a similar piece posted on poemranker before. I don't know if it's yours or if its an edit of a previous piece, but it looks too familiar. It has an amusing tone to it, but not too impressive.

The first two lines need punctuation change...kinda stumbled there....Other than that, complex piece here...or you could just read it as association, free-thought/dream piece...either way I think it should appeal to most reading it. Good imagery! An owl with butterfly wings...I like trying to conjure that image.

Interesting lesson you learned & took note to...A few notes I wanted to point out: -L4S4: Very smart when looking at the aftermath in this 'story' -L2S2: I recognize the "brown" of "brown windows" is repeated in the last stanza, but I don't understand the signifigant meaning behind the use of brown??? -Sunny

Funny, I made some nit-picks next to some of your lines though... You had to clap out on us, It was sad but true, All the chicken within,> I'm honestly asking, is the insertion of commas even when they aren't necessary a certain form because I've seen it done several times & seriously don't know Had to be stewed. All the food has had to be cooked, And all the remains, 13 Curries to keep us going till Xmas,> You can still have a lax style to this poem & make "till" - " 'till" & "Xmas" - "Christmas"...Christmas isn't that hard to spell after all :) 10 Chicken Tonights for all the days,> Umm, "Chicken Tonights"...what?? And Vienettas galore. We got ??170 composations,> The ?? before 170 is a bit strange looking; I'd put them behind the number, if I was going to put them in at all But if the truth be told,> This whole line could very well be taken out in my opinion It turned out it was the fuse, That refused to be so bold. So now we have high portions, And now we have ??170, And now we have our freezer back, And now we have a fuse.> Too many lines of the same stanza above. You could leave this stanza, but condense all the 'and's' & repition in general I think I love you Freezer, You keep me warm, Please don't ever leave, I mean you no harm.> Intended strange last impression that means, well, who knows what?? -Sunny

trite, but one of you better works. you may find an audience with 8 year old boys or perhaps employment as a writer for the next Austin Powers movie.

cute. sorry, i know that may sound like a comment best left unsaid, but i do like it. i think you could do more with it, maybe editing a poem you have already written so there are no adjectives? and still convey the message...

perhaps using the word "write" instead would be more appropriate. clever, nonetheless.

hey this is great. i think this is the best example i have seen that matches the description of the concrete form. pictoral expression of a fallen cross. and, the words can be read several ways: some crosses are just too heavy. some crosses are just. heavy, too. some crosses are heavy. just, too. just some crosses are too heavy. the beauty here is that it leaves the interpretation very open to the reader as it has various vantage points, maybe moreso that other poetry forms will allow with so few words. bravo and well done!

drnick, I came upon this accidentally, and was quite `happy I did. This is pretty good giving a very Utopian feeling. You, capturing the mood in words, need commending. Good job.

It's a long time since I came on this board to see what was going on. I'm pleased that some of you liked it and took the trouble to tell me this. Really I'm no poet - from way back I learned not to like it at all. This was at school where poetry memorising and reading was compulsory and I was more interested in Maths and Science. My output is very limited, but I like to get hold of an idea and give it a really sharp twist to see what happens. Best wishes to all - you're great! Bad Poet.

A few thoughts: -L5S1: I don't find your choice of "delicious" a great amplifying of description -L3S2: A nit-pick...but I would add "where" to the following line to enhance a cleaner line break if I were you -Even though a very shadowed one, you write of the city's character & personality per say pretty well. Nicely done. ~Sunny Sweep down and gather the clouds in an aluminum bowl. Travel through the trellis where the vagrants have embellished the delicate, delicious cement with graffiti. Climb up the side of the Sears Tower. Wipe all the windows where widows were made after businessmen husbands were pimped at and paid. Then spend some time on the platform at night. Let a few trains pass before you ride. And take in the sights before you burrow beneath and disappear til your lonliness brings you back here.

I liked the sound the way it ended. A nice dedication, true point of theme...that never can be spoken or written of enough. ~Sunny

Without the title I would think this was a stage or script act of a storm...I love> "purple rolling pillow sky, clouds Swift glancing light Pause-" The (clever) format forces one to read it in a very cool way...and imagery is fantastic. I like the last two lines, in a literal sense: as in, the Earth spinning away and out of reach of the lightning. I see that you are being so clever/intellectual with the writing you posted while I was out and away. This one is probably not really clear at first reading...or even at all, without the title. Perhaps the lightening should be more direct and less stealthy:)

The periods/punctuation needs work. (need one after endure?)etc. You get spurts of rythm going, then lose it. drop 'the' @ streets...that line's a tongue twister. willing me to spell...?to cast spells?, and fate is my undoing? is that what is meant there? all as one sentence it doesn't make sense. I can see this written on a subway wall somewhere...

Do you by any chance mean "descendant" ??? The poem's not much good either.

I gave a metaphorical 'owl of agony as I read this.

The word which springs to mind is "dreary".

6) this goes on a bit yay yay yay yay