pls comment

I'll remember to give this a proper read and vote tomorrow.

P.S. Any new recordings recently?

No time for a full-length comment at the moment, je regrette. Great song though.

this is all a bit crazed and confused a bit like a swarm of bees i guess. was this the idea?

Damn, I really like this and don't even know why.

The spacing works okay and there's something I like about it...still, just not overly impressed with this one Mr. Devil.

"A moment flickers for silence"--nice line. good poem.

Nice sentiment here. Have you thought about putting it into a rhyming form?

Is this some kind of a Genesis sequel? .... day, light, word, air, birds, breath, ......???

good solid draft i say could do with some tweaking around the edges to bring it together a bit more. i liked the wording very descriptive

I agree with Zoe. This would go over better with constant rhythm and possibly rhyme. Also, the grammar is wrong in some places. It's the kind of theme that needs a haunting rhythm.

More of an interesting Welsh verse than Catatonia managed. You'll be huge in Cardiff; you should read this from a tower in the (almost finally) renovated castle. They have peacocks in there. Poetry and peacocks - what more could we ask for? It takes a lot of practise to be able to read this aloud. Have a read of Nicholas Jones' works.

Why the hell's this been zeroed? Line 13 - "birds".

A nice theme, there, and I like the last four lines.... Pls punctuate. It's like I have to re read to get the right tone and flow of words.

I don't like the opening, "And so." Maybe it sounds right when sung, but it's off-putting in print. Also the mis-grammar, "your eyes reflecting chemicals" may work better in song, than poem. Try the title, "Astonomy and Pharmacy," working off the near-rhyme in Verse 2. After the bridge, it seems to change track, again something that may work well in song, and not so well in a poem.

I find this very descriptive and the way of photos. The cold line of phosphorus dates the photograph if you mean those old phosphorus flashes. The fading picture is broken, bitten, boiled - how so? and the last word, "soiled" implies something will soil the picture, but what? I find that those old photos last very long if kept out of sunlight. "I hold a sliver of her soul, Which slowly does decay" - good line.

Not bad.

Don't tell that no one's actually voted and commented here. So much for decency! I bet if you had to put one sick word into it you'd have probably got a dozen votes. To nit-pick, I'd like it if there were caps for the 'i'. I personally dislike seeing it in small letters, or maybe I'm too particular about that. It would also be nice if the beginning of verses were also caps. It gives a very disordered look without it, making your piece look less impressive. I'm trying to put a tune to it. Think one could fit in , so ... I could probably say that it's fairly good. The lyrics though, are a little common.

I can only guess what this is about, but it doesn't matter. The language is beautiful. The Biblical reference, pulled into modern time, skirts about the expected pact between Sarah and Hagar, and brings in Jacob who really came later. So I really don't feel that connection. But the phrasing is so good that I don't care.