Top stuff.

The last stanza seems a little strange but the rest is good. I like your unlikely word choices.

He's going under to free Willy.

It falls a bit flat for lack of substance beyond color.

You've captured it all.... Bravo. I don't think there's much to wonder about after this.

ok thank you very much i appreciate all your good critics i love writting poetry and wish to get better at it

A good story, but saying "this poor girl" is overkill. Leave a few things for the reader to figure out and he'll be more impressed and less insulted. This could be shortened and made rhythmic to better effect. Still, it's good material and worthy of work.

I have say that in this poem I descided to rhyme. It is came out better then without rhyming. thank you guys! This poem is about Christopher columbus journey to Cuba help not to limit people's knowledge about the Earth. I hope you guys like it.

"Suffer the little children to come unto Me, and forbid them not, for of such is the Kingdom of God." Children will always remind us of what really matters.

Did I not just say on your last post that you get better and better? Once more I've been proved right. This loser and I would have been excellent friends ;-) 'Skipping slick certitudes'

Hey ecargo, this is a flying early-morning visit so bear with me if I make no sense here. Breakfast, tea and poemranker - what a combination. Argh, and now I'm eating my own hair. Great. Anyhoo, I love this piece (first stanza of verse II in particular). A couple of questions though: line 6 I think should read 'Sheikh' (not certain that it has to be spelled that way though). Not sure that 'overture' fits quite right with the theme of the piece - to me it carries overbearing connotations of Western culture rather than Arabic. Also, is a far ridge sharp? I'd have pictured it as less so if it's in a desert setting (heat haze and all that jazz). Well, must go. Great read, will catch you later I hope. Peace.

I'm not sure why you call it Joshua and Ruth, unless they, too, had feelings like these. Probably they did. Anyway, it's these kinds of things that make the "hell," as you put it, worthwhile. But I think "hell" is too strong a word for the minor unhappinesses here.

The points already made are the fundamental improvements, but I'd also say a couple of other things. In a 'story poem' (like this one), a good way to make it less storylike and more poetic is to reduce the temporal references ('now', 'then', 'next' etc.) and just let the order in which you tell the story show the sequence of events. This will automatically trim the word limit, too. As Dovina says, don't just show us everything. Stanza 7 is unnecessary - let us work out that she's thinking of the past. Stick with the writing, it's good to see that you're enthusiastic about it and, of course, we'll always leave you a few hints here.

Not having children, I struggle to relate to this. And the last time I really spent any time surrounded by kids was in a pre-school while trying to research speech patterns. It was their end-of-year party, the sun was blazing down and they had been fed copious amounts of sugar. I can categorically assure you here and now that whatever hell you might be living through, it is nothing more than a little light purgatory in comparison with that day. Perhaps if 'children' were replaced with 'glam rock' or 'spaghetti westerns' it would have a more universal appeal... Nicely written though.

First, the gramatical errors in this are downright terrible and make it extremely hard to read. I understand the point you're trying to get across, but your thoughts aren't cohesive. It's like yuo just though of a line, wrote it down and then forgot what you were driving at. I'm guessing you're young. Try reading some other poetry to get an idea of how to structure and write. Also, work on your grammar because the way this is now, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. Also, if you want people to read and comment on your poems, don't you think it would be courteous to read and comment on some other people's works yourself?

Good grief Miggy, you'd think that as long as you've been doing this, you'd be getting better at it.

What could you possibly mean by "The Lord's untimely sinning" besides something to rhyme with thinning and winning and starting with W? What point is there here?

Decent concept, I can't argue with it. Strong rhythm and rhyme, well constructed. But I'd agree with Dovina...putting 'God' and 'sin' together will always make it seem like you're just out to have a go at Christianity - which ultimately detracts focus from the poem. How about: Rosalina, surely Spinning from The ferris-wheel operator's Untimely sinning

On the basis that I'm not going to make any crude puns based on de Fuca and whatever they're going off to do, this is tops. The only thing that I would change is 'stubby' - not because it's ineffective, but '-y' adjectives always seem a little vague to me. It's the same with '-ish'. They get the meaning across but don't really do anything for me image-wise. Anyway, that's a minor point. Your writing seems to be getting better and better with every post.

As I started reading the beginning of this poem I was immediately reminded of Phil Colin's song 'Another Day In Paradise'. I'm tempted to believe you took your story from there. Excuse me if I'm wrong. And I can't understand how conveniently this poor girl could suddenly find place during the day but at night she had none. Ref is to the line, 'this girl of the night cannot be seen so she finds somewhere to hide,' I am not overly impressed with your presentation. You have good potential at writing, and you need to polish your talent. Like Dovina has stated, shorten your lines and get the beat flowing. You'll be amazed by what you can do.