helenwales
on love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
9 Oct 2006, 4:53 AM
dumped?
The opening metaphor could work, I think, if you held true to the beginning. But islands that slip, past and future divided, uniqueness to just your lives, dreamed - these things don't seem to work.
D... this piece could do with some editing. Sorry for no vote as I need to read this well. Don't know when I'll get the time for that. I've just scanned through and thought it needed fixing. Am having a whale of a time in the gulf. Terribly hot though... but it's fun. Will try to check in when I can.
Wow. This is really, really good. I don't know the idea behind the form, but I assume the repetitions are part of the structure? Even if not, they work well. Some awesome language (hurricaned street, mouth jacked open) although I've got to admit that a few words here and there didn't appeal to me (munching, mangled, and a few others) purely because I'm a bit of a snob poetically and like lots and lots of eloquent language ;-) In all honesty though, I'm going to have to come back and read this several times to take it all in (as should be the case with all good poetry). There are thirty-something haikus in here, and if done well that should make this poem (while not actually *that* long in comparison with much poetry) mind-blowingly full of images, ideas and hidden nuances that require slow reading to find. And on first sight, this IS mind-blowing.
Needs work on the flow, but amusing.
'No name faces' - as in, 'nameless faces'? I'd look for something a little more inventive than that to close the poem.
School poem about bullying? That's how I read it - with some refinement it will be pretty good, in my opinion :-)
Totally staggering! I don;t know whether to give it a 10 or a 0 - such a dreadful piece of writing is eithe genius or utter shite. Please let me know which at edna_sweetlove@yahoo.co.uk !!!!!!!!
Another staggering, stuttering, mentally defective write! I love you, baby!
boring.
That Peter was a total asshole. Why would anyone be interested in these jew fairy stories?
If you are using commas at line ends, then use them wherever needed, at the end of line 2, for example. The grammar in verse 2 has some problem. After that I stopped counting and just read.
I like the way ending thoughts lead to starting thoughts and back to the weather.
No it doesn't
'Let anger undue pretense' is off-rhythm, and I'm not sure it actually scans. There are some good lines in here ('ruling dullards with the ax' made me smile) and the first two stanzas had a nice loose rhyme scheme, but it was missing after that. I'll always say that devotional poems are incredibly difficult to write without being too personal or uninteresting. Just the very nature of them, I guess.
The title is ace!
in truth i don't think this is a particularly good poem, but i do love the way you managed to raise the ire of everyone in shouting distance and expose hypocrisy wherever it might lie. that's an enviable talent, and it's on that accomplishment i'm grading you. i'm really not against war, perhaps not even against pre-emptive war under certain circumstances, but anyone with even a nursery school education should have been able to see the probable outcome of a hastily planned, domestically motivated, essentially unilateral iraq conflict.
Most effective poetry i've seen has at least one of a few things: a sensory image, a thematic metaphor, a biting polemic or a clever play of sound and language. to my eye, this piece has as yet developed none of these. Look back for a moment at your racism poem, which contained all four of the above (and was successful in raising a litany of responses). Consider how you successfully did all these things in that poem, which you thus far haven't done in this one.
good stuff
nice use of hexameter. almost because of the old greek form, i'd look for this to be one of a series. i like the assertion of dialect straight from the first line. i can picture the scene.
i love the story, and the order in which you tell it. due to the nature of the scene i think you should consider losing some of the words with latin roots, in favor of more of the gutteral tongue. scared instead of alarmed, dodged instead of averted. the word Irish sounds weird in places. consider "mick" - though it's a semi-slur, the sound is so much firmer. also, it would add to the mood if you could shorten the sentences, pare every syllable you can. very enjoyable read.