I read "wasted on from desire" as "wasted on desire." Go figure. And try "virginal body yard." Hey, it beats "vaginal."

Well, I revised the poem again. Now it's nothing like it was before. I had reread the story about Jesus walking on the water to a group of fishermen and peter walking out to Jesus. I wanted to do something with that story but couldn't think of what. Right now it's just a straight re-telling of the story. I'm going to try to think of what I can do to change it a little and get some message across.

srry netwined for deleting your comment i tryed to reply first if you read my other comment im new to this the only form of poetry i know is haiku and i dont remember if thats 5-7-5 or not i have no idea what a pimple is besides a zit the only poetry ive read is dr. suess so forgive me if i have no idea what your talking about

The boat metaphor comes out of nowhere, but otherwise I like the tone. Fairly cogent, too. Apply some poetic tools and it could find a wider appeal.

insane. Funny.

killed by a strife/life rhyme. Nobody uses the word strife and expects not to be eaten by bed-monsters, not even Frances Cornford.

I think "black maw" doesn't help things, but otherwise very well crafted.

Mostly Free Verse yes, but to be honest after reading some of the stuff here and some of the, frankly, childish comments I probably won't be bothering to post anymore. BTW I'm not saying your comments are childish, just i've read the top 20 rated poems and to be honest more than half are just plain crap.

me no comprenday.

The action is well described, as is the projectile's intent - but the imagery is primitive.

technically very solid and coherent imagery. maybe this is a bit more literal than some readers of poetry like, but not every image needs to have five levels of meaning. this is a good effort overall, at a modest undertaking.

Be interested to see which dictionary holds the word zombiehood, as I can't seem to find it anywhere, apart from that .. interesting.

A slow death? More like a day in the life!

It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do but did all the same." A good take on the story. This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.

I read it as more a war poem than simply a dying breath one. The second line in the last stanza is offbeat but the rest is rather brilliant.

(Except Dick Emeree is not yett borne So comparison maye nott be drawne) Glorious But still the veggie stoode forelorn For wantinge of an juicy prawne

This is in the running for the awarde of 'Finest Title Of Ever'.

Indeed. Ever considered an alternative? Train-spotting? Charity? Perudo? None of them will actually be any good, but at least you can describe them.

first couplet ROCKS! the middle three don't go off nearly as smoothly though. ending picks up again, aided by internal rhyme as well as endrhyme. plus, social commentary clothed in vicarious self-effacement makes for an excellent closing idea. the dog under the truck and elevator that won't shut, although i understand the jokes, are just not very strong lines. edit, or maybe just eliminate those and pare the poem down to 3 stanzas to preserve the continuity? with this sort of poem, hit 'em quick and finish quick is often a good policy.

this is a highly philosophical poem without any actual physical images, which unfortunately is anathema to most postmodern poetry. thus, if judged purely in imagistic terms it will clearly be found wanting. depending on your goals for this poem, i'd recommend tapping a bit more sensory imagery to give readers a meantal picture of the flow being described.