Amusing list, as a standalone it probably doesn't make for a great deal but with the whole collection I can see this working. Are you intending on publishing them in the near future, or further expanding, or neither?

Figure out a fix for the stresses and the rhythm, and this could work.

Would you like my 02?

The only problem I have is (spastic).

Was this a group effort or a solo project?

You're in good hands here, Mr Fugazi. Listen and keep those sleeves rolled up.

Nice, the wine/blood analogy isn't the most original but you work it well. Is Mary the recipient or a nurse (matron)? Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm. What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something? 'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)

Flows well, and you control it nicely. With a title like this it could easily have gone into a quasi-emo self-pitying mire, but I like the way you've dealt with the content. I can't really think of much else to say that'll be any use, I'm a bit useless at the moment. Struggling to write, myself, right now. No blog entries recently?

I can't shake the feeling in stanza 3 that it could be re-arranged/altered a bit to flow more easily. Some of the stresses are scattered, and I can't find an easy way of reading it. In all honesty, I'm on an iambic hyper-trip these days which is probably clouding my vision further, but still. Perhaps just trimming a few words for the sake of conciseness would do the trick. Stanza 2 is lovely - I wish you didn't have to use graffiti though (I know you're reporting what's actually there, if only it wasn't...). Ruined farmyard scenes can still be beautiful, the graffiti spoils it irretrievably though. Would prefer the last stanza to be shorn of 'I' in a couple of places, other than that, I enjoyed this as much as any of yours :-)

Weird but cute.

Cheers!

Punctuation and grammar detract from a good start. It's really all one sentence.

this is inspiring. i would have liked more sensory detail about the hypothetical life you pictured, but i love the end, it's of a real person, tough and hard and ultimately free. and when the mind is free, the rest is just a matter of time...

It's the kind of thing that needs a steady rhythm to carry it. Mostly, you've done that, but Verse 2, for example, might go like this or somesuch: Once every morning And twice before bed I empty the old thoughts from my head Always you'll find me Just pacing my room Wandering and wondering About what you think

I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.

This is great writing. Looks like you are looking back in time and seeing the positive side of not being married (or something like that). Cool write and good ending.

Hmmm... very impressive writing... quite to the point and with adequate imagery. I like the title too.

Purple humpback whale spore http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=30580

You've got some good ideas in here, but it could do with the rhythm tightening up and some of the lines paring down. 'Thousands nursing fats of them in charge' doesn't make sense to me. Good ending, it brings it back to the opeining quote nicely.

Sweet and concise, he's very lucky :-)