Ranger
on Being Called Dave by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
16 Oct 2006, 8:53 AM
Genius.
it's about the uprising in Prague, in 1999.
Yours is the finest username on poemeranker. -?-
Which film? It sounds vaguely American Beauty-esque.
Have you ever thought of rhyme
As some sort of metric crime?
Not impressed; clumsy wording and a limp punchline. Could have been worse. Could have been illiterate!
Doughnut, dear. "Donut" is the brand name.
Jesus rocks.
The same content would make a decent poem if your verbs weren't so dull.
This doesn't make any sense.:(
subtitle: If you are a cat and wish to be forgiven for killing birds do not cry at your mothers funeral.
Lines three and six miss the rhythm. 'in the cat I wrapped'? Is that leading on from the title - 'Conscience in the cat I wrapped...'? Otherwise there doesn't appear to be anything in the cat that you wrapped, except maybe a bird and the urgent need to relieve its bow'ls.
Why only capitalise 'I'? Why not punctuate a bit more? Why am I asking all these questions?
The subtitle is funny - a lose-lose predicament.
Aparently, the narrator is an ingested bird, missing his nest, though I don't know what a spud has to do with it. But then Verse 3 escapes me.
Or maybe it's a boy who threw a spud at a bird nest.
Confused, and sorry if I give away too much.
Limericks usually march along with sing-song rhythm in addition to the rhyming scheme. What is a hawlk? A few too many commas, it seems, and a meaning covered in unusual language.
Somehow the rigid structure of haiku does not jive with stream-of-consciousness writing. Just holding 5-7-5 most of the time is not haiku. I'd make it all one stanza and let it flow.
I assume that all these Jesus poems are satire on Christianity. Perhaps you see hypocrisy in the church and wish to expound your rebellion. Ironically, Jesus did the same thing. âDo not according to their works,â he said of the religious leaders, âfor they say, and do not.â Matthew 23:3. Many other passages like this.