regarding some deleted poem...	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-Jun-07/9:46 AM
i think this may be trying too hard or maybe it is just the word choices: "mesmerize my words" doesnt make sense nor does that phrase coupled with the second half of the line. perhaps "memorize my words within your fettered heart". "sate of delirium"? not "state"? or "breathing in, sated with delirium"? maybe rearrange lines 3 & 4: "dreams of you entwine within my mind, entwining from time to time to the ocean of your memories" for the last line i agree with Skamper. i did not see this as so dark; more introspective. it does invoke some interesting ideas.
Re: Take-Off by oneglove	Dovina 72.161.151.195	13-Jun-07/10:12 AM
The comma after I is distracting. The caps at line starte are inconsistent. Otherwise good.
Re: Baby by sca	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Jun-07/10:51 AM
holy fuck. dark only says half of it. i think this has the opportunity for a lot of expansion. there is a lot of story here for so few lines, but there are enough lines used that it either needs to be longer and expanded into a mini-epic, or edited down to a more concise yet potent missive. i like this and hpoe you will work further on it.
Re: Decisions by MacFrantic	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Jun-07/10:53 AM
gross, as in anatomy. clever.
Re: It's Simple by Enkidu	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Jun-07/11:00 AM
one extra syllable in line 2; try "I'll" or maybe just "will". perhaps try using other words beside "give" 5 times. i am sure there are other things you do, such as forgave, tryusted, loved, etc. might help paint the picture better if you explain how much you gave...
Re: A Fine Thread by Nepanthe	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Jun-07/11:04 AM
missing old friends, i gather. nice metaphor.
regarding some deleted poem...	lmp 141.154.134.3	14-Jun-07/11:07 AM
this is one subject that is like a vacuum: if it doesn't suck, it is broken.
Re: the play is a tragedy of dreams by Prince of Void	Prince of Void 80.71.127.39	14-Jun-07/12:42 PM
the void filled my empty space's commet do i really deserve such zero in this zero effected life ...i dont deserve it ...
Re: leaves of clover by lmp	Prince of Void 80.71.127.39	14-Jun-07/12:49 PM
thx for ur comments on my poems ur poems lies in the bed of subconsciousness so this green fields of ur dreams have drowned emotions and waken up the soul to find the mirror of the existence it really helps me if u add comments on my poems
Re: The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	Prince of Void 80.71.127.39	14-Jun-07/1:03 PM
I stands alone on the unsaid of misery where both worlds lost where .............. oh sigh here in my eyes what has not been found
Re: Bonded by Skamper	pete 62.56.83.50	14-Jun-07/5:46 PM
wow...lol...catcha later
Re: Take-Off by oneglove	Skamper 202.6.130.100	14-Jun-07/5:47 PM
You know, I'm not great on titles - in fact can be a bit random with them, but when you write with such dream-like and warm images I think your title should reflect that. It seems a little bland for what you have actually written, which is really good. I like it immensely.
regarding some deleted poem...	Skamper 202.6.130.100	14-Jun-07/6:01 PM
Oh God Yes! I feel the need to stand and cheer!
Re: The Search by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:10 AM
i felt the 2nd half lacked enough concrete images to hold it together ..... yeah, i did get a bit lost
Re: Paper Maker by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:18 AM
yeah, the preposition thing..... found it a bit hard going but was rewarded by the clarity of the final image .... stinging just the same
Re: The Finding by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:23 AM
reads like a wordsmith's musing on an empty-minded sunny sunday afternoon;... will search later for hidden depths, should there be any
Re: Llamas by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:27 AM
slide your new tongue.... nice ...teach me etc .. is this a matchstick page wandering muttering into the surreal landscape
Re: Empty by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:34 AM
explanation will often ruin a poem, i know, but is this about an alcoholic suicide or lonesome solitude .... or something else entirely
Re: View From The Gutter by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:38 AM
yesterday's primordial soup ... luvvitt ! too many words though (imho)
Re: The Kissing by Skamper	pete 62.56.90.230	15-Jun-07/6:42 AM
mmmmm .... hardly a zero; nice sexy rhythm to start of but to maintain momentum in a poem is more difficult than in actual sex and images ought to be stronger or the poem shorter .... imho