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The Search (Free verse) by Skamper
Searching for the eyes odd the woman on the corner pregnant says don’t believe the labels cats can’t be poisoned but rats can’t vomit she throws up her head and laughs too late for Darwin's awarding said something of reward walking on The calling falls on deaf ears so we hear – today likely it’s the eyes that caused it – and the white another comes forward begins a three-legged dance offers nothing to the conversation tailed off The man who demanded of the three-legged dance says – you look like your brother must be our mother’s fault as we grew she fed us on primordial stew man whispers – he who lives next door hates the furry tells wife of the worrying Retracing bends on corners draining darkness waited long enough - torched gloom flashes past the discontent of those hell-bent on paying for anything fast or shiny that discards easily explaining drains gurgling dismay We wait

Up the ladder: A Dance

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Weighted score: 4.8410625
Overall Rank: 10706
Posted: March 22, 2007 2:21 PM PDT; Last modified: March 22, 2007 2:21 PM PDT
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Comments:
[6] richa @ 81.179.219.225 | 25-Mar-07/11:35 AM | Reply
The grammar and syntax seems all over the place, there are fragments that make sense. In the first couple of lines where does 'odd' come from. Like the lady with her tales about cats being unpoisonable. Not sure where Darwin awards? comes into it and the bit about reward, not sure about that either. In verse 2 caused 'it' is problematic, what exactly is 'it' (other than an anaphoric island). Like the primordial stew bit in verse 3 but 'The man who demanded of the three-legged dance says' the man who demanded what of the three-legged dance. The final verse is better but the final two lines are a bit rubbish.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.18 > richa | 30-Mar-07/3:46 PM | Reply
I get it! You don't get it! Understandable I guess...too hard to explain everything. It is what it is. Grammar and syntax have nothing to do with this, it's written with inner rhythm and left open to interpretation. Your last comment comes close to what I was trying to say, but I'm guessing that wasn't the intention.
odd - odd eyes
Darwin awards - too late for the stupid woman as she is pregnant
it - the deafness of my cat - caused by odd coloured eyes, or the fact he's pure white
three legged dance - he demanded the dance, which is to say, he called his three legged cat over to show me...
Anyhooo...thanx muchly for taking the time to read and pass comments...it is appreciated (this and the finding are connected, I lost two cats in 3 days...one came back-poisoned)
[5] pete @ 62.56.90.230 | 15-Jun-07/6:10 AM | Reply
i felt the 2nd half lacked enough concrete images to hold it together ..... yeah, i did get a bit lost
[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.37.15 > pete | 19-Oct-07/5:12 AM | Reply
yeah, it needs sharpening...looking back
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