richa
on some deleted poem
16 Jun 2007, 1:45 PM
The gibberings of an idiot.
flows along nicely enough to be kinda fun and yet a little bloody.
it's a good poem ...very good
Funny because its true.
I hate to be a band-wagon jumper but I agree with the other two. I like the whole write apart from the cars/churches...they don't seem to work together.
Maybe it's because I'm a girl - but the first line just seems too repulsive to go with the rest of the write...I don't get the connection. Overall the resignation at what life brings is evident, and painted quite well...
Well call me crazy, but I do like the fourth line; it's a good comparison because much like the colors of cars, the kind of church is a preference of what is basically all the same thing. Very nice!
A very good read Dovina, although I do agree with Al on L4 in the first stanza. I assume you like the alliteration of the simile as it is. Also, if you changed L4 in the second stanza to something like, "gives solice from the cross" you could escape the double use of comfort. Just some thoughts. I find the last stanza very Emily Dickinson like.
Not sure why I like this, and definately know I don't get the full message. Maybe that's why...
Nice little play on words - the give and take of it all...
I'm just confused - by the language and the message.
Sad - it all feels right except for how suicide used to be a pleasant sight...not sure what you mean by that.
ummmm ... thanx for forcing me to a deeper understanding of the haiku/Senryu form ... still digesting ... wgb
The last line is killer. You could almost call it a prose poem.
I don't like the simile "the kinds of churches like colors of cars" I assume you mean because there's lots of different car colors and there's lots of different churches but it just lacks your usual eccentric wit.
Also "beerâs against the law" is just not true.
The rest I found interesting and well done.
Etc.