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Tropical afternoon (Free verse) by cpill
A wet sky ends another flushed day Letting go of the days hot frustrations Releasing the struggle that started at dawn So one can finally say "I'm done" The race is over. Nobody won. The cool breeze retires ambition Letting the shoulders sag and, put on loose shoes, Smile in the company of others Reflecting at the slow replay of the days events Forever to be frozen in memory Washed in hopes or regrets

Up the ladder: hollow queen
Down the ladder: well, ok, then

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Arithmetic Mean: 1.0
Weighted score: 4.8102965
Overall Rank: 10972
Posted: June 14, 2007 3:55 AM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2007 9:31 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Skamper @ 202.6.130.10 | 16-Jun-07/11:29 AM | Reply
Maybe it's because I'm a girl - but the first line just seems too repulsive to go with the rest of the write...I don't get the connection. Overall the resignation at what life brings is evident, and painted quite well...
[n/a] cpill @ 88.73.92.48 > Skamper | 18-Jun-07/4:39 PM | Reply
Yes perhaps thats the wrong word to use. I wanted to convey that hot and "flushed" (perhaps a better word than hot) feeling or the end of hard emotion, like I would imagine a female menstruation. An though you feel the sticky wet as a a discomfort its actually like the cold rain at the end of a hot day.
[6] Skamper @ 58.171.45.76 > cpill | 25-Sep-07/10:41 PM | Reply
Much better images...menstruation is a feeling all to it's own...I should write about it...

I do like this write - it's quiet way of getting the message across...
[9] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 > Skamper | 21-Jun-07/5:00 AM | Reply
I always thought you were male. Oops.
[9] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 > Ranger | 21-Jun-07/5:26 AM | Reply
In retrospect, that sounds highly insulting. My apologies, it wasn't meant to be.
[6] Skamper @ 58.171.41.15 > Ranger | 25-Sep-07/10:42 PM | Reply
Not insulted at all - I quite like being ambigious even with gender.
[9] Ranger @ 81.152.176.129 | 21-Jun-07/5:00 AM | Reply
Not keen on 'shoulders sag' - it sounds like you give up on everything, whereas the rest of the poem is less like that. I'd change it to 'let the shoulders down', like you're letting blinds down on the windows, letting your guard down and a million other relaxed cliches.
'Menstruating sky' is hilarious.
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