poemranker ::Paper Maker by Skamper

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Free verse № 151134

Paper Maker

Member since 2007 · Posted 22 Mar 2007 · 8 comments

sweep the letters that hang from fading signs toss them rumbled and worn into arid air – devoid of colour and gasping for breath throw them behind the mind of one with shoulder-shrug cares who watches the lacerations of the she – stripped bare in declaration of paper cut wearing - lacking depth but stinging all the same try to stick them felt-tipped below the headlines as dust devils re-arrange a tangled alphabet from foreign tongues split over lips and spat out to fall down - an abandoned muse somewhere

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8 comments

[7] jessicazee 24-Mar-07/4:56 AM Reply
some good lines --- 2nd stanza's first words over-prepositional, maybe marry up a few lines? Love: "with shoulder-shrug cares"; "try to stick them/felt-tipped". Good.
[n/a] Skamper › jessicazee 24-Mar-07/8:16 PM Reply
Over-prepositional? Not a clue what you mean by that. Indulge me please, for I am ignorant.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
[7] jessicazee › Skamper 25-Mar-07/4:08 AM Reply
I mean starting each line in that stanza with "the", "of" (twice), "in", etc. Your intended statements deserve the implied understanding that your audience is literate. Translation: your great writing is still poetry in sentences, in fact your really great writing! For example:

throw them behind the mind of one
with shoulder-shrug cares
who watches the lacerations of the she --
stripped bare in declaration of paper
cut wearing --
lacking depth but stinging all the same

That was fun.
[n/a] Skamper › jessicazee 30-Mar-07/3:50 PM Reply
Thankyou, I follow what you mean now. I write how I talk, I know thats a really bad cop-out, but that is how I do things. I like your revision and maybe it will help me in the future...
[8] richa 25-Mar-07/11:39 AM Reply
I disagree with JZ. There are a lot of prepositions but I think that is down to person style and not necessarily a fault. Arid air is a terrible cliche.
[n/a] Skamper › richa 30-Mar-07/3:52 PM Reply
LOL...Arid Air..isn't it though!! If we all stop using cliche's how long will it be before they become 'cool' and we can use them again?
[6] pete 15-Jun-07/6:18 AM Reply
yeah, the preposition thing..... found it a bit hard going but was rewarded by the clarity of the final image .... stinging just the same
[n/a] Skamper › pete 19-Oct-07/5:15 AM Reply
it's taken me a while to get a hang of the preposition thing - and to notice your comments...thanks.. :)