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Paper Maker (Free verse) by Skamper
sweep the letters that hang from fading signs toss them rumbled and worn into arid air – devoid of colour and gasping for breath throw them behind the mind of one with shoulder-shrug cares who watches the lacerations of the she – stripped bare in declaration of paper cut wearing - lacking depth but stinging all the same try to stick them felt-tipped below the headlines as dust devils re-arrange a tangled alphabet from foreign tongues split over lips and spat out to fall down - an abandoned muse somewhere

Down the ladder: tomorrow is another day

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5678
Posted: March 22, 2007 2:25 PM PDT; Last modified: March 22, 2007 2:25 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] jessicazee @ 65.30.187.185 | 24-Mar-07/4:56 AM | Reply
some good lines --- 2nd stanza's first words over-prepositional, maybe marry up a few lines? Love: "with shoulder-shrug cares"; "try to stick them/felt-tipped". Good.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.132.11 > jessicazee | 24-Mar-07/8:16 PM | Reply
Over-prepositional? Not a clue what you mean by that. Indulge me please, for I am ignorant.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
[7] jessicazee @ 65.30.187.185 > Skamper | 25-Mar-07/4:08 AM | Reply
I mean starting each line in that stanza with "the", "of" (twice), "in", etc. Your intended statements deserve the implied understanding that your audience is literate. Translation: your great writing is still poetry in sentences, in fact your really great writing! For example:

throw them behind the mind of one
with shoulder-shrug cares
who watches the lacerations of the she --
stripped bare in declaration of paper
cut wearing --
lacking depth but stinging all the same

That was fun.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.18 > jessicazee | 30-Mar-07/3:50 PM | Reply
Thankyou, I follow what you mean now. I write how I talk, I know thats a really bad cop-out, but that is how I do things. I like your revision and maybe it will help me in the future...
[8] richa @ 81.179.219.225 | 25-Mar-07/11:39 AM | Reply
I disagree with JZ. There are a lot of prepositions but I think that is down to person style and not necessarily a fault. Arid air is a terrible cliche.
[n/a] Skamper @ 202.6.129.18 > richa | 30-Mar-07/3:52 PM | Reply
LOL...Arid Air..isn't it though!! If we all stop using cliche's how long will it be before they become 'cool' and we can use them again?
[6] pete @ 62.56.90.230 | 15-Jun-07/6:18 AM | Reply
yeah, the preposition thing..... found it a bit hard going but was rewarded by the clarity of the final image .... stinging just the same
[n/a] Skamper @ 58.171.27.125 > pete | 19-Oct-07/5:15 AM | Reply
it's taken me a while to get a hang of the preposition thing - and to notice your comments...thanks.. :)
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