Shuushin
on do androids dream? by nentwined
22 Apr 2004, 6:59 AM
yes Rachel, they dream of electric sheep.
A nicely encapsulated thought - and it rhymes; it must be true.
the ending could have been very special I think, after such an engaging start.
Something needs to happen there, after the "but..." (even if you have to make it up)
and please - no talk of suicide; rather some event, or perhaps a statement of altered awareness, a re-union, somehting.
Not only is this utterly ungrammatical but... Well, that's it, really.
Very sad...good, simplistic imagery.
wow, please explain your logic towards this haiku!
only two lines 7 - 6 - ??
Whoa... I must be trippin'
VERY good imagery
Did you spell "Des Moines" as one word on purpose?
I have definitely had this kind of experience in a counseling session before...wow.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 6:56 PM
I am giving this a 10 for two reasons- this has got to be the best title I have seen in ages- you have the balls to poke fun at religion/the lord. Fantastic.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 6:58 PM
great last line.
hey, this has something to it. Not sure what it is. Ilike the shortness and the despair of it. keep at it.
Tasty. Tasty like delicous little fishes.
the whole Church isn't warped. :)
cute, but the rocks & the pleases kinda throw me.
This is the best poem I have read for ages. Is this a collaborative effort? It's absolutely superb.
I admire the economy of language. SupremeDreamer should take note.
He travails;
His anfractuous metacarpals impinge upon the alluvium,
His cauterized and atramentous integument is begrimed with feculence:
He's besmirched.
-10-
The Baker's Apprentice (Free verse) by -=Dark_Angel=-
On this warm summer night,
as I cruise effortlessly
down this country road,
the stars shimmering off
the black hood of my car,
I pause and reflect on
the majesty of the universe.
In the quiet solitude of
this smooth endless road,
I ponder creation and realize purpose.
With escape from the noise of this world,
the silence has made all things clear.
I am here to serve my Baker.
And as the cool breeze
whisks at my cheeks,
I am at peace.
- "Here is a list of people gayer than me: Simon LeBon, Paul Simon, Carly Simon, all the actors in the film Simon Birch, you." - Simon Cowell
Some of the punctuation is a little awry. For what it's worth:
His mind withdraws, like the tongue,
too far back to swallow
the water of a lake, green as moss.
'What colour would you prefer,
you must drink' says the tutor.
'make it the pale blue I know as water.'
'but pale blue is the sky;
green is the eye of the sycamore
that looks down on your lake.
Drink, for you can see the fishes.'
Otherwise, ace.
Is didacticism still bad? What is poetry that is not didactic, impartial? Is poetry not creeping didacticism?
I'll give you an -8-, I would give you more if this was decentthoughtranker.com