zodiac
on The Air That Escapes His Lungs. by cleverdevice
28 Apr 2004, 6:08 PM
When you write these poems, do you give any consideration to how they work in real-life, or is it all about the allegory? To wit: "The air that escapes his lungs shall not return," - The truth is that it probably will sooner or later, especially if he's in some kind of phone or porn-viewing booth. I just think it would help for you to keep that kind of thing in mind, is all. You know, write poems about things that could actually happen.
-Feeling Helpful in Waukeegan
Conspicuously missing:
- Fear of Garbage,
- Hypatia,
- S-D,
- Shuushin,
- Caducus,
- Joe-joe,
- Blindpoetry,
- richa
- tpbod.
Come on people!
Fraser - Will there eventually be categories? I respectfully request to not be included with the gays or prepubescents. Thank you.
most favoritest bit:
shore and azure swells
That glint in well-thumbed pearls,
nicely done, sasha.
nice, dry feeling to this, h.
watch the periods. they break it up too much, maybe. give me a reason your face has been turned away by these things, as the rest of you is a part of the schema.
maybe not 'death without song' but more so death with an unvoiced sound?
lose the ... on the second to last line. it cheapens the poem. the rest, in my opinion, is nicely done.
mistake #1:
title and opening line repeat. aaaargh!!!
suggested title: 'frisson, unfrozen'
why 'ice season'? has it really been an entire season? or just a hastily-made peace that's grown into a rift?
'will we have to get'--dude, economize! save the breath for when you need it! 'must we' will suffice to thaw this ice!!
the rest of it melts off my tongue, deliciously. now, if you would only ind a way to ease me in--instead of making me fell like you're cranking that pontiac, hoping it will turn over!
bueno.
This old Daguerreotype of me was taken when I was very much younger, and before the accident, but it will suffice for your purposes.
http://pix8.net/files/prbc_dark_angel.jp
I actually would like to be with the pederasts and coulrophobes.
Jeremi is a pleasant young man with supple breasts.
Slightly poopy, but otherwise fine, 7.
DR E CARAWAX'S PROTOTYPE CHECKLISTE MARK II
[X] Arbitrary indentation
[X] Arbitrary linebreaks
[X] Melodramatic
[X] About romantic love
[X] Protaganist is a bummer
You'll appreciate this ...
http://www.pix8.net/files/brantcam.jpg
"the workings and the wishings" is a bit of a problem. It could be "workings and wishings," or "workings, wishings [no comma here]" - actually, there shouldn't be a comma after wishings anyway. And "flushed, red," should be "flushed red," I think. Otherwise, this aroused me far more than Fraser's fisting gif did. Advantage: <~>
beautiful.
but for the last, too-cordial line. it suits not the mood...and i know you can do better, here...
yay!
sweet, delicate, elusive!
Using the name everyone does not make the poem belong to everyone, therefore rating the poem does not mean I'm rating myself, therefore the last question is moot.
I like it not. There was no discernible meaning or humour.