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After the ice season ~ shamelessly lewd revision (Free verse) by zodiac After this ice season is over
how will we again be lovers?
Will we have to get sensationally drunk -
sit out all night on an old Pontiac sunk
in weeds up to its windows, in a field where winds
blow warm over us, until you cover
my body with yours, the trunk
and branches of an old tree that bends
above us creaking in the wind? Oh, if we
have wine, car, weeds, wind, and tree,
will that be enough for us to be
really anything more than friends
after this long ice season ends?
One mid-April morning, she says, our clothing
skimmed like curd, when the soothing
touch of a window box-fan slips
on our damp skin, itâll wake us. Your lips,
searching, will find my lips; then upend
the water-jug on me, kiss collar and hips,
hollows and dips â for nothingâs
been lost this long winter, though weâve grown
frost-bitter, though neither of us have known
how to unfreeze us â Oh, love, I donât
know how to begin, but I know itâll end
with us at last becoming lovers again.
Up the ladder:
Time, Indeterminate
Down the ladder:
Buried pyramid
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.5
Posted: February 6, 2004 11:21 AM PST; Last modified: May 10, 2004 5:10 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.2102365 Overall Rank: 975 Comments:
Good, a few nits.
Lines 4-9 seem choppy compared to the rest. I am not sure carrying on a sentence on the next line when you have just rhymes drunk with sunk works. For me the sunk rhyme stops the piece before the new line.
re: "For me the sunk rhyme stops the piece before the new line." The correct way to read a poem is not to consider the end of a line as a period or break. Imagine reading this as prose: "Sit out all night on an old Pontiac sunk in weeds up to its windows, in a field where winds blow warm over us." It makes perfect sense now, doesn't it? Ask yourself if this would work better:
"Until my body with yours you cover, The trunk of a tree which over us bends, Creaking in the wind..." Basically, you'll find that ending lines at the ends of clauses or phrases drastically limits the amount of things you can say or the amount of style or natural diction you can use. Walt Whitman pulled it off with his amazing run-on lines, but almost everyone since has considered the concept of 'enjambment' a necessary poetic tool. Will you please give this one another shot with that in mind?
The first two lines of this are made up of a premise, and a question predicated on given premise ---> pause
It is not unreasonable for the reader to make the same pause at the end of the second two lines. Also as the brain organises stimuli together, things that rhyme will also tend towards forming their own discrete block. The combination of expecting a couplet, line break and rhyme really do I think signal to the reader, end. I can read it better if sunk starts the fifth line.
No.
Took me a couple reads to appreciate it, but I like it.
My main hesitation was the many prepositional phrases - having said that, I really want the first line to be: "After this season of ice is over" - see, another prep phrase, but it seems to flow better, imho. My ear keeps wanting "warm" to be an adverb, rather than a noun - but somehow it works (as is often the case). And I'd prefer some specific types of tree and wine and weed. But, after a few reads, the idea of it convinces me - its a good perspective. Good enough to build a snowman out of -8-
Not a great poem, but warm is an adjective.
So your saying its modifying "winds" (noun), rather than "blow" (verb)? As in:
"where the warm winds blow" - oh, okay - that works. I thought you meant it like , "where the winds blow warmly" Otherwise, I thought it would be a noun, as in "warm is this thing that blows"
mistake #1:
title and opening line repeat. aaaargh!!! suggested title: 'frisson, unfrozen' why 'ice season'? has it really been an entire season? or just a hastily-made peace that's grown into a rift? 'will we have to get'--dude, economize! save the breath for when you need it! 'must we' will suffice to thaw this ice!! the rest of it melts off my tongue, deliciously. now, if you would only ind a way to ease me in--instead of making me fell like you're cranking that pontiac, hoping it will turn over! bueno.
Hey, thanks so much and duly noted! Incidentally, it was originally after the cold season, which doesn't sound nearly as long and hard, but which does sound like an allergy medication advertisement.
nothing lewd here, zodiac. can't you make L1 of S2 work with the sounds of this bit:
' our clothing/ skimmed like curd, when the soothing ' this is so lovely to the ear. and, up-ending the water jug' does not work as well for sound--but visually, that is one hell of an image. i like this revision!
Very ephemeral, but still grounded in reality.
Good, especially with the natural rhymes There's a palpable but faint feeling feeling here of Fitzgerald's: "A book of verses underneath the bough A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou Beside me singing in the wilderness And wilderness is paradise enow."
I'm not really seeing anything "shamelessly lewd" here, but it's pretty good.
What, no death? Boo.
Sorry, I didn't know the definition of a Lewd until just a minute ago.
I first encounter'd the word in 1998, when it was reported that George Michael had performed a lewd in a public outhouse. He was busted by the L.A.P.D during OPERATION LEWD RESOLVE.
Of course, that incident was later determined to be the worst case of Lewd-entrapment ever, as the broken outhouse door-lock which played such a crucial role in the arrest was exposed as the work of a special L.A.P.D. crack unit.
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I find myself wanting to know something about the reason for the long ice season...
This has just a hint of "O western wind..." about it. Was that a source of inspiration at all? What if you made an explicit reference...would it add or just be trite?