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After the ice season ~ shamelessly lewd revision (Free verse) by zodiac

After this ice season is over how will we again be lovers? Will we have to get sensationally drunk - sit out all night on an old Pontiac sunk in weeds up to its windows, in a field where winds blow warm over us, until you cover my body with yours, the trunk and branches of an old tree that bends above us creaking in the wind? Oh, if we have wine, car, weeds, wind, and tree, will that be enough for us to be really anything more than friends after this long ice season ends? One mid-April morning, she says, our clothing skimmed like curd, when the soothing touch of a window box-fan slips on our damp skin, it’ll wake us. Your lips, searching, will find my lips; then upend the water-jug on me, kiss collar and hips, hollows and dips – for nothing’s been lost this long winter, though we’ve grown frost-bitter, though neither of us have known how to unfreeze us – Oh, love, I don’t know how to begin, but I know it’ll end with us at last becoming lovers again.

zodiac 8-Feb-04/2:39 PM
re: "For me the sunk rhyme stops the piece before the new line." The correct way to read a poem is not to consider the end of a line as a period or break. Imagine reading this as prose: "Sit out all night on an old Pontiac sunk in weeds up to its windows, in a field where winds blow warm over us." It makes perfect sense now, doesn't it? Ask yourself if this would work better:
"Until my body with yours you cover,
The trunk of a tree which over us bends,
Creaking in the wind..."
Basically, you'll find that ending lines at the ends of clauses or phrases drastically limits the amount of things you can say or the amount of style or natural diction you can use. Walt Whitman pulled it off with his amazing run-on lines, but almost everyone since has considered the concept of 'enjambment' a necessary poetic tool. Will you please give this one another shot with that in mind?




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