Re: a comment on As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	4-May-04/7:09 PM
about the translation of "Si los riesgos del mar considerara..." In the original it's in perfect Spanish hendecasyllabics. Your translation has hypermetric lines, which aren't a bad idea in and of themselves, but they don't seem like what Juana Inés de la Cruz would have written had she written in english. Also, there's nothing wrong with taking liberties in translation (in my opinion) but why does Apollo become "old?" I think just saying "...like Apollo you" would make the line flow better. Here's an oddity. Catullus did do that silly sort of thing. He translated Sappho's poem, the one that begins φαίνεταί μοι κῆνος ἴσος θέοισιν ἔμμεν' ὤνηρ, with: Ille mi par esse deo videtur, ille, si fas est, superare divos, qui sedens adversus identidem te spectat et audit dulce ridentem, misero quod omnes eripit sensus mihi, nam simul te, Lesbia, aspexi, nihil est super mi <vocis in ore> lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus flamma demanat, sonitu suopte tinitant aures, gemina teguntur lumina nocte.
Re: a comment on As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	4-May-04/6:25 PM
See why I do translations more than original poems?
Re: a comment on As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	4-May-04/5:37 PM
Here's a rough draft of the first verse. See how you like it. Don't you leave me now, Now we must forget All we can forget All that's left us now; To forget about All the times we fought And the time we lost Trying to figure out How we might forget When attacks of "why?" Helped our hearts kill time, How it thrills me yet! (then) Don't you leave me now... (etc.) I know the last line could use more work
Re: The Conqueror Worm by zodiac	4-May-04/2:28 PM
However, I might add, it doesen't make a lot of sense; it doesen't have to though to be good.
Re: The Conqueror Worm by zodiac	4-May-04/2:27 PM
I enjoy the first line especially. The moody internal M's throughout the piece make it feel somewhat surreal.
Re: a comment on As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	3-May-04/5:31 PM
Duly noted. But that would alter the rhythm.
Re: a comment on As Catullus Said (Updated and Revised) by Sasha	3-May-04/4:30 PM
Sorry, I just didnt like the old one that much
Re: государства by Wobble McFly	1-May-04/5:23 PM
On second thought, I think I've seen this before. Or at least parts of it
Re: a comment on государства by Wobble McFly	1-May-04/5:05 PM
Um no. Here's a REAL translation This is a human and Social debt owed by us all All- even the head of state Only with united effort and striving Can we guard the life And health of our nation's young generation, And it's right to a happy childhood. And here we need not only Professional and organizational aptitudes. No less, Being in high spirits A true ascetiscism
Re: a comment on государства by Wobble McFly	1-May-04/5:04 PM
Correct
Re: государства by Wobble McFly	1-May-04/4:57 PM
Это отличное ÑÑ‚Ð¸Ñ Ð¾Ñ‚Ð²Ð¾Ñ€ÐµÐ½Ð¸Ðµ. Мне радо было видить ÑÑ‚Ð¸Ñ Ð¸ написаные на русском языке.
Re: THE BEST POEM EVER!!!!!! by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	17-Apr-04/11:31 AM
It's more fucked over than a whore at a bachelor party
Re: Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie	14-Apr-04/9:24 PM
the breath/death rhyme is cliché and expected (Other than shibboleth, seth, and elizabeth, there aren't any modern english words that rhyme with death/breath) rather Well executed though
Re: A ballerina bubble bath by horus8	14-Apr-04/9:20 PM
GOOD! One of the very few poems on PoemRanker that is actually worth reading! Shortening of the lines would make it more immediate in effect and impact
Re: Dear Lord by simone_girard	14-Apr-04/7:32 PM
Not a sonnet.
Re: The Smarts aint Stupids by Shardik	14-Apr-04/7:32 PM
This is not iambic pentameter, rather amateurish in its construction, and, above all, makes no sense.
Re: The Queen & The Locksmith by Jeremi B. Handrinos	14-Apr-04/7:30 PM
Not Iambic pentameter. Forced. Inverted, introverted. A bad poem in general
Re: Life on the Sidewalk (with superfluous vulgarisms) by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	14-Apr-04/7:28 PM
Not a sonnet
Re: Unseen Death by Fire_is_cool	14-Apr-04/7:19 PM
Show, don't tell
Re: Tawn-tastic by Topaz Servias	14-Apr-04/1:01 PM
I'm sorry, but you're not a native french speaker.