Re: At least while you're gone, things get done. by Bachus	3-Nov-03/2:09 PM
LoL, Bachus (baba/jeremi/horus/shardik) - not too bad! I get a kick out of the Mon- /-day line why not just end it with "[something something ...sun"? then you can stretch the charlie horse line with something (you can do it). On second thought - keep it, it adds something. Extra points for formed verse.
Re: The Secrets Of Men by scitz	3-Nov-03/8:15 AM
For my part, my "depth" consists mostly of walking around thinking I lost my wallet, or my keys. I must have come from a different tribe than you've described here. Always a danger making these types of generalizations, but as a poem, it has some interesting perspectives and some cute rhymes - even if occasionally slightly forced ones. As a suggestion, I think you could save this if you came over the top with it; make it a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's been done - maybe you can do it better.
Re: a comment on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	3-Nov-03/8:00 AM
Nice additions; helps.
Re: Capricorn Falls by wolfen	3-Nov-03/7:48 AM
"myriad" - danger, danger; tough word to pull off. This is quite good: "I remember the scent[s] of sin, That lingered on my clothes and skin." I could do without this telegraphing of meaning: "Every late night drink of scotch alone in the dark, To help me forget my cheating heart." or this: "With no-one to hold, The fibres that held together my life, Have been unthreaded." but the image of squeezing a rose, thorns and all, is nice. Other than those nits - something very workable. Maybe as a lyric using that second stanza [tweaked a bit] as a chorus?
Re: fog by FreeFormFixation	3-Nov-03/7:40 AM
I've come to recognize your stuff as one I should click on and expect goodness. This one has a fresh thought to it, and as a lyric works really quite well, I think. If you want to tweak it more, you could thin it out here and there so that stuff like this: "i just dont want to be old polaroids in a small shoe box as sepia seeps and yellows my face. so tell me, do you see me" which rocks, isn't diluted by less memorable sentiments.
Re: a comment on What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	2-Nov-03/6:34 PM
Your mission was not to convince me, your mission was to write a better essay. You've failed on both counts. I'm not here to get, or give political education - I'm here for the wordsmithing, so use your soapbox as a writing desk and try again.
Re: What went wrong with America? (An essay) by Jeremi B. Handrinos	2-Nov-03/4:06 PM
Jeremi (baba/bachus/horus/shardik) - Functionally its a fairly pulling read (though, ironically, I was zoning out right around the park where you refer to Americans as lazy half-asses; go figure). Not any new angles here though, is there? And the premise of rallying a group to action by name-calling is flawed. As a vent though - I can feel your pain. But as an argument, you could add credibility to this if you backed up your claims with some statistics, references and specific examples, like for: "America holds the largest collection of undereducated" (percentages compared to world?), "two thirds of its occupants still believe the earth was created a couple thousand years ago" (a reference would be nice here), "Simple, it's the inability to lead by example and keep your word." (examples), "now through karma we are getting our fair dues?" - (what is this referring to, exactly, casinos?)", "common knowledge that Americans are greedy, narrow sighted, and ridiculously pretentious without fair reason or even an objective" (references? even something anectdotal would help) If its just rant, then fine, carry on - but if you want to make a compelling argument then make it sound like you did your homework.
Re: Brand-new Blue Book Jacket by Bobjim	2-Nov-03/2:17 PM
its a purty cool thing to behold. jan and dean, the everly brothers, abbot and costello? but I don't know pearl and ted. Interesting.
Re: The Dread by scitz	2-Nov-03/7:33 AM
Well done.
Re: freewrite~1-10-10/11am by shadowaura	2-Nov-03/5:34 AM
a nice flow of conciousness with some interesting allusions (you don't see "Septuagint" everyday). Not sure if you intended to use the apt "liquid lies" twice though. "over" works just fine, btw.
Re: Love's Fine Line by peaceseeker	31-Oct-03/9:25 PM
Dalia – its an interesting piece with some good hooks – I think it needs some structure changes though. this is one thought: “finally our voices intermingled after several long months apart like rays of sun through the frozen rain” then another: your strange marriage you know you are walking a fine line between your love and earthly desires keeping me at arm's length and so on. I think if you break them out and flesh them out they piece will be better for it. You might even find there are two separate poems here. Some of the not so subtle sexual metaphors can be toned down a bit too, btw.
Re: Small made Large by tadpole	31-Oct-03/7:56 PM
Has a nice hooky first two stanzas, then the wandering begins. By the end, it's vapor. A suit wearing a man - I really think its fixable though since there are some nice images in there.
Re: Thee of most shiny belt buckles by <{Baba^Yaga}>	31-Oct-03/3:43 PM
jest wait a cotton-pickin minute mister - what the hell does wizard rhyme with?? Huh? Splain that. the third one is very nice (just darling).
Re: Kiss Me by josiefiend	31-Oct-03/3:40 PM
eh. kind of grossed me out - all that blood and seared flesh.
Re: a comment on Kiss Me by josiefiend	31-Oct-03/3:38 PM
I was thinking the same thing, except instead of american poetry it was gekos and instead of farming it was the invention of indoor plumbing and instead of terrorism it was vanilla pudding.
Re: Love Poem by josiefiend	31-Oct-03/1:11 PM
This has a heady density of language and a fantastic theme that is dying to be cultivated. As it sits, it's quite memorable - but I think with some pruning (sorry for the cliche, but more showing instead of telling), and a stronger sense of Structure this thing would be exceptionally powerful.
Re: a comment on Belgium and rose tears by SupremeDreamer	29-Oct-03/7:33 PM
is that a web page? wondering why story is in quotes.
Re: The Director by Everyone	29-Oct-03/7:52 AM
yep - he's a strange one. What is it with these chin grabbing poses!?
Re: Tiddles Breathes his Last by scitz	29-Oct-03/6:16 AM
big points for universal appeal, I think the cat would just run away though. (cuz I pictured it sitting on the tire) now if the second line was "against the alternator" . . . or someplace similar . . .
Re: Belgium and rose tears by SupremeDreamer	29-Oct-03/6:13 AM
Nicely penned prose. Absotively. Would be a nice bit within a short story, I'm sure.