Re: The Beautiful Chase by smlink84	25-Mar-04/6:38 AM
problem with this: "As a mother intent on With a million vows." the language use with all those conjunctions, prepositions and simple verbs doesn't do this much help.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/6:41 AM
right off, "He says that I live in cyber space well" is problematic cuz brain want to make "well" a noun, so if feels choppy there. "bites" - done on purpose or not, this should be bits or bytes. I like the idea of this, the perspective, and you could do some nice things with the vocab, but the ending doesn't really give enough of a payout.
Re: end of era by the indign	25-Mar-04/6:42 AM
aphoristic, and could be truth - but it's only a subset of a poem.
Re: weeping tree by the indign	25-Mar-04/6:46 AM
"ponder yet a second laughter screen" makes me struggle. drawers boxers redundant, fine but as a rationalization to mirror words in the next few lines - no. this smells synthetic somehow; strung together from random thoughts then a pasting of the first line to the last to imitate structure and - done. Thats what it looks like anyway.
Re: bunny by the indign	25-Mar-04/6:48 AM
... something one might use to warm up to start writing a poem. Start from the drop kick and go from there.
Re: again by the indign	25-Mar-04/6:49 AM
smells like a poem; a good approximation.
Re: Baggage by darkshark	25-Mar-04/6:51 AM
okay - not too shabby. But it needs some trimming of those little words to help give the idea some pop. and some color, sound - another sense.
Re: Fishing Trip by darkshark	25-Mar-04/6:52 AM
the tiny words that don't add value don't hurt this one as much because its a nice sentiment. You could beef it up by trimming it down though - still - quite well done.
Re: Fire, Water, and Blood by Katzclear	25-Mar-04/6:55 AM
oh. close. betrayal, suicide - so many poems to compete with and this one just gets trampled.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/6:57 AM
well, the ending has some pop. But the boobs are distracting. Yes I know they are eyes. It might make sense if kids had boobs, but then you'd have to trade in your ending for something with less shock value. Still might work if you took out the ped angle, and - more people would like it.
Re: Love in Winter Storage by Russell	25-Mar-04/7:05 AM
2nd stanza has to go. What else you got? the rest is very nice with some solid poetic language. So, overall I like how you say it, but what you say isn't too engaging.
Re: Christ At The Oscars by Caducus	25-Mar-04/7:11 AM
"On a Gethsemane of popcorn" is a nice line, but doesn't get the visual punch it should, I think, because popcorn needs to be doing something in this place (like being strewn on the ground or something) rather than being the place. "salted phial" is a nice ryhme with smile, if slightly out of context - overall, it shows a nice control of language - maybe shows -off- a bit too, but the subject isn't terribly appealing (personally) - it may find a market though since it's topical. Best be quick though.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/7:14 AM
"Beard spearing the nearest?" exactly - "...?" "Beard bound for bigger plans?" nice. not too shabby. for a beard poem.
Re: Edd by Bobjim	25-Mar-04/7:15 AM
rushed ending - the rest is a nice little ride. make try some ends?
Re: Stratifying the Stress by Russell	25-Mar-04/9:03 AM
Some good tidbits; more clever than effective.
Re: Roses by abcmonkey78	25-Mar-04/10:27 AM
this switching from iambic to trochaic in this context kinda makes my brain hurt. Know what I mean? It has such a classic feel that I've been trained to think it will be iambic all the way through. So many rose poems in the world, were it not for the very last sentiment I'd completely forget it after the read.
Re: My Sister's a Ninja by fevriere	25-Mar-04/10:29 AM
LoL - the rhyme feels self-effacing, and that's cool. I like this one!
Re: thaw by JakeBike	25-Mar-04/10:38 AM
Hello Mr. Bike. I like the word usage (zodiac is on crack) - this has a mature feel to it. I think a typo in "velevt" though - and prolly "coming off" could be made more, especially considering the language around it. Maybe that would be too much? Dunno - consider it, see what u come up with.
Re: A Walk Along The Lonely Shore by Sam	25-Mar-04/10:58 AM
With thousands words the moon reflects the sea (?) Would it calm down or would just explode that stuff is, ah - ungood.
Re: Bridgebuilder by phbiscuit	25-Mar-04/11:14 AM
Because of the frost-like opener expectations get ratcheted up, I think. But the language falls short - a reasonably good concept but it doesn't flow. Doesn't endear. How to fix? Sorry I can't help with any specific nips or tucks; read more Frost, I guess.