Re: The Coast Is Never Clear by Fear of Garbage	25-Mar-04/11:19 AM
"giuse" ui "You need it, you look " - "you'll look"? "Fr" "For" beyond that - quite good. The simple and repetitive words like "like" is deceiving - works well. A fairly strong effort on a topic that could easily be (and often is) badly done.
Re: About men in toilets by scitz	25-Mar-04/12:18 PM
Last stanza is fairly good - did you start with that one at first? Prolly sould be cut down by a third overall.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/1:50 PM
nice collection of words, but there really isn't any connection to humanity, so I don't feel involved enough to have a lasting impression.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/1:53 PM
better than "lake superior" in the sense there is a connection to [me]. But now I'm left with "what do 2 fighting birds have in common with this commuter?". Bad ride home, road rage? Also nice no-cramped rhyming.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/1:56 PM
yeah - some fun with language. You are good with these word things - this being the 3rd thing I've read of yours. Some concrete topics, some humanity would be nice. I mean these are nice tastey snacks - a publisher would want a nice entre at least.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/2:00 PM
See, this fourth one is better. Its a universal emotion - but now, free of the artful word usages. There must be some synthesis between these two extremes? having said that - this one is quite nice. Maybe as a cinquain?? at night you shudder in my arms, i smile knowing you are with me and not dreaming elsewhere. [sorry, you only get two syllables in the last line]
Re: Lunacy by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	25-Mar-04/2:12 PM
Hey, thanks for helping me out with the comments today. This isn't bad btw - needs a little more I think though; its just the start of a character. Make [you] do something.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/2:16 PM
the comma and the semicolon - and the period, can go. what kindof train now? what kind of cargo? Flesh those details in and I will up me score.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/3:08 PM
Hypatia - this sits well, goes full circle in a solid way. I have to say though some of the rhymes are too easy to be impressive - the AA BB CC doesn't help that; hard to appreciate the meaning with that distraction - for me anyway. It walks this line of almost being cheeky on purpose. But then its too serious for that at the same time. You might be able to help it by about half by simply interleaving the existing rhymes; making it AB AB - you'll have to do a little soft-shoe to make that happen, but you might like the effect.
Re: The Golden Candlestick by phbiscuit	25-Mar-04/3:16 PM
Something about the cadence of this: "In a mass choking under the weight of So much life, So much indecent need for A place to hang a hat And eat a meal By a fireplace with a gorgeous wife And two lovely daughters." that works quite well; the line breaks together with the prep phrases - usually I hate that. somehow works here, in that part at least. I'd like to see that last stanza reworded so "golden" doesn't sound like a cheap modifier, as if you said "oh, I have to put an adjective here" -a candlestick of brass/gold -a reflection in candlestick gold -a slice of cheddar cheese (usw)
Re: how i love by elizabethann	25-Mar-04/3:19 PM
I'm okay with it too - could do without the lowercase i's though - they distract from the piece too much. Too much self depreciation can get old quickly.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/5:38 PM
I'm sorry but despite all the nice clean-ups in the upper half, the last line isn't really working. That ".But." construct - thumbs down. How bout a suggestion by the machines that they could help them be more perfect? - something ominous maybe (removing an organ or two, dunno). I don't know the details of what that could be, but I think you could figure something out. fix the commas and apostrophe's too, will ya?
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/5:44 PM
I can only echo hypatia on this one. This may be fixed somewhat by doing it as a third person, making a character to recollect the missing Bob. That way you could maybe show the emotional impact without having to tell it. Plus, readers tend to be unsympathetic toward first person perspectives. Try it.
Re: The Cry of Lorquine by MacFrantic	25-Mar-04/5:53 PM
nice title. "but yet" - pick one (not but). Lie. what made you think they were hopeless? What did that scene look like? Show me that. Does the last line [of the poem] mean that the line, as in ancestry, was lost? Lorquine is a type of butterfly, isn't it?
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	25-Mar-04/6:42 PM
quen[t]ched (no T) - quick fix it before u get votes!
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/6:48 PM
LoL tintagiles - my post is a very similar theme - yet it was put up not 2 minutes before yours! I doubt you had time to see it, so it was prolly coincidence - pretty funny. anyway - I like yours. The crown of tears is a nice pull, as is the dirge line. Preposition use is okay, I might trim 2 or three though - at least kill the "up" after "Puddling"
Re: Colors Collide by Blindpoetry	25-Mar-04/6:56 PM
Well, I like it for the unusual construction. Does the repetition work? Might be a tad overdone. I wonder what the consensus will be. Either way I can deal with it. The last fourth is a bit pimply yet it stays entertaining enough - probably because it doesn't come off as taking itself too seriously.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Mar-04/6:58 PM
The transition between the two stanzas via the same/aim rhyme is excellent. The only "improvement" I can offer is to delete the line "The meaning's unclear". Its redundant and smacks of triteness. have a 10.
Re: Untitled *involves taking pills and cutting with razors* by AskittlesK	25-Mar-04/8:19 PM
I like the flow of it and it stays to the right side of overdone. You need a title? how about "Final Cut"
Re: Tennessee by wilco	25-Mar-04/8:47 PM
were these spellingbads here before? peices beleieved gons